Homemade Jokes

Do the ironing

2012-01-10T17:06:00.001Z

We don't have Pepsi, is Coke OK?

2011-10-30T17:16:00.003Z

Bridge over the river pun

2011-10-02T23:42:00.003+01:00

A: I say, I say, I say: A friend of mine recently had an argument with his wife on a bridge.
B: Cantilever?
A: Well I suppose so, but they patched things up in the end, so best to just let sleeping dogs lie, I'd say.

Colonel

2011-08-24T22:31:00.004+01:00

Q: What was Libyas favourite cartoon?
A:Gaddafi Duck

Jokey Joke Joke

2011-08-02T22:22:00.001+01:00

Which part of London was built from beer kegs?

Maida Vale

Have I posted this before?

2011-06-27T21:10:00.002+01:00

New obscenity legislation means that the Cerne Abbas Giant must now be depicted as clothed. Apparently, his new outfit will be designed by Tommy Hill-figure.

Wobbly Legs

2011-06-25T15:18:00.002+01:00

Why is the Lord of the Dance such a terrible taxi driver?

Because Flatley will get you nowhere.

Up the duff

2011-06-19T13:54:00.003+01:00

Q: Why was the pregnant woman so irritable?

A: Because she was using a TENSE machine.

Italian humour

2011-06-02T11:29:00.000+01:00

Q: How much does a single piece of pasta cost?

A: One penne.

This jokes a bit ruff

2011-05-26T20:01:00.002+01:00

Who do Battersea Dogs' Home buy from when they want to build a new extension?

Poundstretcher

Hollywood Toilet Humour

2011-05-17T12:37:00.000+01:00

Colonel

2011-05-02T11:31:00.001+01:00

Q:Why did the kids on the street respect Gaddafis son?
A: Cos he woz Saif.

And another!

2011-03-11T18:14:00.002Z

What's Richard Hammond's name for doing the drying-up?

Tea-towel Wipeout

If a joke is told in a forest and ther's nobody to hear it, does get a laugh? Not if it's this one.

2011-03-11T18:10:00.003Z

"I say, I say, I say, I've been asked to attend a music ceremony to present an award for best female singer of the '60s. It's in Hawaii."

"Honolulu?"

"No, I think it's going to be Sandie Shaw."

Anything to put off writing my essay

2011-02-05T15:03:00.002Z

Q: What do you call a qualification in jealousy?

A: An Envy Q.

Hello again!

2011-01-27T20:57:00.001Z

What did John Donne/ Ernest Hemingway/ Metallica say when they discovered that their clothing accessories had been adapted to fit a much smaller man?

"For whom the belt holes?"

My 'breadst' (best) joke ever! (Not really)

2010-12-07T19:35:00.001Z

Why do the manufacturers of Hovis, Kingsmill and Warburton's all have weird genetic defects?

Because they're in bread

The punchline may have come first with this one.

2010-12-04T15:51:00.000Z

How do plastic surgeons get bovine draft animals onto seagoing craft?

With a boat-ox injection

Wicked leeks and potato soup.

2010-11-29T18:38:00.004Z

It has been released in the national press today that the internet based Wikkileaks is threatening to release a lot of sensitive information about world leaders,governments and regimes.

A secret dossier about to be leaked on the site has reported that North Korean leader Kim Jong is not well, his top commanding officer has said that he is infact very il.

Has the fire gone out of your relationship?

2010-11-21T23:33:00.001Z

Where do lumps of coal got to find their soulmate?

Carbon dating websites

No punch line, no pun, just something silly, wot I made.

2010-11-02T18:50:00.000Z

Its been a long time

2010-11-01T17:29:00.003Z

The BBC News team lost out at the annual Broadcasters News awards ceremony last night. A very bitter and bad loosing Zeinab was reported to say "Bad-awi..?" as she stuck her fingers up at their SKY rivals.Hue Edwards was so ashamed he changed colour.

Football joke- it's been a while

2010-10-31T18:22:00.001Z

What do you call a unicellular organism that plays football?

Shola Amoeba

The Diving Bell and the Social Butterfly

2010-10-31T18:21:00.001Z

Where do divers go to pick up chicks?

To a flirtation tank

I see the light!

2010-10-28T09:51:00.001+01:00

Q: Where do you put a criminal beam of light?

A: In prisim.

Why am I doing this?

2010-10-26T21:34:00.000+01:00

What do you call a boxer made out of vapour?

Gaseous Clay

I'm back! Where is everyone?

2010-10-13T20:13:00.001+01:00

What do you call a Jedi who can use his supernatural powers to cure headaches?

Anadin Skywalker

Wogan dines on offspring of disgraced BBC workers- bong!

2010-09-24T17:02:00.002+01:00

What does Terry Wogan serve at his annual mediaeval banquet/ cannibalism theme night?

BBC Children in Mead

Thought up in Asda

2010-09-19T20:45:00.001+01:00

What do you call a caveman who just wanders around aimlessly?

A meanderthal

Mil quatro cientos noventa dos!

2010-09-16T19:31:00.001+01:00

What do you call a Spanish woman who lives on a diet of sea shells?

Conchita

Sick... but delicious

2010-09-12T21:47:00.001+01:00

Where were jews resident in rural Bavaria interned before being moved on to their eventual fate in the concentration camps?

The Black Forest Ghetto

I like driving in my car...

2010-09-12T08:34:00.002+01:00

We were heading up the M1 the other day and there was a sign that said "Don't drive tired." I thought "what else am I supposed to put on my wheels?"

Maybe my least favourite person in the world... including all murderers, rapists and so on.

2010-09-08T18:25:00.001+01:00

What do you call an R 'n' B singer who has been cast out from polite society?

Pariah Carey

No Whey!

2010-08-18T12:28:00.002+01:00

Q: Why did little miss Muffet pop over to Iraq when she was peckish?

A: Because she heard there was loads of Kurds over there.

A theme is developing...

2010-08-17T21:55:00.001+01:00

Where do Russians do a shit when they don't have easy access to a toilet?

In the Vladimir Poo-tin

Communist Good Housekeeping

2010-08-17T20:36:00.001+01:00

Q: How does Mikhail Gorbachev view the world?

A: From behind his ironed curtains.

I like this one

2010-08-10T19:46:00.001+01:00

Which former communist country was made entirely from napkins?

The Serviette Union

More Thundercats

2010-08-08T19:05:00.000+01:00

What do panthropologists use on the floor of their kitchens?

Lion-o

Poor, Neglected Homemade Jokes

2010-07-29T21:51:00.001+01:00

What do you call someone who studies Thundercats?

A Panthropologist

Couldn't think of a way to work 'knickerless' into this, sadly

2010-07-07T20:39:00.001+01:00

How does the president of France keep his woodwork tools warm?

He uses his saw-cosy

Carcrash humour

2010-07-07T14:30:00.001+01:00

Q: How do you steal a motor in Central America?

A: Nickajaguar

MILF Hunters

2010-07-07T14:15:00.003+01:00

Q: What do you call a Jazzman that can't stop wanking?

A: Herbie Handcock

J'aime le comedie!

2010-07-01T07:09:00.001+01:00

Q: Which French pop starlet and actor likes pastiche songs?

A: Vanessa Parody.

An Oliver Stone film- coming this Fall

2010-06-24T19:13:00.001+01:00

Where do female TV presenters go to get assassinated?

Cat Deeley Plaza

Bodacious Bonnet!

2010-06-17T11:07:00.002+01:00

Q: What's the best hat in the world?

A: The Awesomebrero.

Literate!

2010-06-16T23:18:00.001+01:00

Which terse, 1930s, American novelist used to get really focused when he was fixing the bottom of some garment or other?

Ernest Hemingway

New! Homemade Limericks! To be sure, to be sure.

2010-05-28T19:56:00.003+01:00

There once was a man called Joe

Whose daughter looked good for a go

So he locked up the brat

In an underground flat

And now he's got sixchildren mo'

It's like Chris Akabusi all over again

2010-05-24T09:21:00.002+01:00

Q: Which American actor keeps waterfowl in bags?

A: John Goose-Sack

A communal team effort there.

Hand in your Otis

2010-05-12T15:40:00.001+01:00

Q. Where was Otis Redding after he got arrested in Devon?

A. Sitting in the dock in Torbay

oh deer

2010-05-12T15:37:00.001+01:00

Q. What do you call a kingdom where all the minor subjects are deer?

A. Doe-minion

If no-one else wants it, I'll have this one.

2010-05-09T11:47:00.002+01:00

Q: Where does your driver sleep?

A: In a chauffeur-bed.

Return of a classic theme

2010-04-28T13:57:00.001+01:00

What do you call someone who like to have sex with plasticine?

A play-dohphile

Can't think of a title for this one

2010-04-22T09:04:00.001+01:00

Why did Josh Homme get thrown out of Boots?

Because he tried to use them crooked vouchers.

The skies have cracked open.

2010-04-21T18:02:00.002+01:00

Q: Why did EasJet start employing roosters and hens?

A: They needed staff for their chicken desk.

Music!

2010-04-20T13:24:00.001+01:00

Which rock band only allows neurotic, obsessive people, who perform the same small, meaningless tasks again and again, to join their ranks?

OCDC

Geography!

2010-04-18T13:14:00.002+01:00

Why did all the weasly crawlers decide to leave Portsmouth and the surrounding area?

Because they were sick of Hants.

Latin!

2010-04-17T00:16:00.000+01:00

Where do very proactive people go to buy their flooring?

Carpet Diem

I wonder if there is such a place..?

2010-04-13T16:17:00.001+01:00

Where do R&B producers go to buy materials for a log cabin?

Timber Land

Sort of true, I suppose

2010-04-12T14:18:00.001+01:00

Which boxer was always going on about different religious traditions and beliefs?

Mohammed R.E.

Shiver Me Little Gray Cells

2010-04-11T09:26:00.004+01:00

Original joke by Mrs De La Resistance

Fruity

2010-04-09T12:16:00.001+01:00

Q: Why did the food seller get the sack?

A: He committed an act of grocer misconduct.

Take a Wee on the Wild Side (how grown-up)

2010-03-25T13:27:00.001Z

Which 1960s singer-songwriter also does a good line in toilet books?

Lou Reed

Cat in a Crown

2010-03-25T10:18:00.002Z

Q: What do you call a french monarch running a feline prostitution ring?

A: Louis Cat-whores.

Courtesy of Russell Newlove

Oh my! (Said in Georgia accent. That's Georgia as in the American State, not the Eastern European country)

2010-03-18T13:12:00.001Z

Which Wacky Races character likes to go out and get lagered up?

Penelope Pissed-up

Like Casino, But Worse

2010-03-17T19:09:00.001Z

Q: What's a wiseguy's favourite game?

A: Badabingo.

Yeah, I Went There

2010-03-17T19:05:00.004Z

Q: Why are there no dress sizes in subterranean Austria?

A: Because one size Fritzl.

Sweet Home South West London

2010-03-02T18:04:00.001Z

Q: What do you call a rocking bird with no eyes that doesn't like flying?

A: Lynyrd Skynyrd.

Work it, baby

2010-03-02T11:33:00.002Z

Which 'photographer of freaks' has four engines and a cruising speed of 945 km/h?

Diane Airbus

Highbrow Literacy Pun

2010-02-22T11:46:00.002Z

Q: Why did the drug user get high on small linguistic units that have semantic meaning?

A: He was addicted to morpheme.

Not very good

2010-02-22T11:42:00.001Z

What do you call an American president who plays lots of sacred music on a harpsichord?

Baroque Obama

Tossca

2010-02-21T20:03:00.002Z

Q: What do you call an impotent tenor?

A: Flaccido Domingo

The Boring Straights

2010-02-15T22:06:00.002Z

Q: Which is the most pedantic body of water?

A: The Specific Ocean.

Do Liza Minnelli!

2010-02-15T22:04:00.000Z

'Twas brillig and the slithey fool was not getting on no plane

2010-02-11T09:39:00.001Z

What's Mr. T's favourite nonsense verse?

Jibba-jabbawocky

Ball Ball Ball!

2010-02-11T00:12:00.002Z

Q: Which football team is made up of players who are all a bit ill?

A: Man Flunited.

Nom nom nom nom

2010-02-10T00:10:00.001Z

Q: Why was the man, who had recently eaten a load of food, feeling grumpy?

A: Because he had just been fed up.

"You walk with Jesus..."

2010-02-08T14:40:00.004Z

In TV show The Wire, I can't remember the name of Avon Barksdale's right hand man but his face does ring a bell.

Dave Says

2010-02-03T09:59:00.001Z

How does the lead singer of Jane's Addiction see things?

He uses his Perry-Farrell vision

Music Video Directors To My Ears!

2010-02-01T18:41:00.002Z

Q) What lotion does Kevin Godley use to make him laugh?

A: LOL Creme.

Esoteric link alert.

Hit TV Pitch

2010-01-31T12:17:00.001Z

Did you hear about Channel 4's new show in which farmers go to each others harvests and secretly rate each other?

It's called 'Combine With Me'.

Hola

2010-01-29T16:27:00.003Z

Q: Why were the unruly people no longer allowed in the bar owned by an Oscar winning Spanish actor?

A: Javier Bardem.

Topical Football Joke (sort of)

2010-01-27T11:56:00.004Z

Q. What do grandma-shagging Wayne Rooney and Rafa Benitez have in common?

A. They both like a bit of the Old Lady

Allez allez!

2010-01-27T10:55:00.000Z

What do you call a former French president who drives a taxi?

Francois Meter-on

Crystal Not-So-Amazing

2010-01-20T16:40:00.002Z

Q: Why does Richard O'Brien always leave the pub at last orders?

A: Because he hates lock-ins.

Cunterbury Tales

2010-01-19T23:45:00.000Z

Which 12th Century poet was a bit of a dodgy geezer?

Geoffrey Chancer

Crystal Amazing No. 5

2010-01-19T17:15:00.000Z

Q: Where does Richard O'Brien go for pasta?

A: The Calzone.

Crystal Amazing No. 4

2010-01-19T15:01:00.002Z

Q: Where would Richard O'Brien go if he wasn't bald and wanted a really cool hair do?

A: The Fro-Zone.

Crystal Amazing No.3

2010-01-19T07:31:00.001Z

Q: How Richard O'Brien get from North Korea to South Korea?

A: He goes through the Demilitarized Zone.

Crystal Amazing No.2

2010-01-19T07:26:00.002Z

Q: How does Richard O'Brien win Irish singing crystals?

A: He goes to the Boy Zone.

Crystal Amazing No.1

2010-01-18T21:41:00.002Z

Q) How does Richard O'Brien relax?

A) He goes into the Comfort Zone.

Delicious

2010-01-18T18:12:00.001Z

Q: What is the most musical fruit?

A: Chuckberry.

Just like that!

2010-01-15T21:09:00.000Z

Why did Tommy Cooper's wife leave him?

Because he had a fez.

Special offer joke! 2-4-1!

2010-01-15T13:39:00.002Z

Q: Where in London can you go and look at David Cameron, Boris Johnson and George Osborne?

A: The Greenwich Observe a Tory.

Q: Where in London can you go and look at Oaks, Beeches, Larches and Weeping Willows?

A: The Greenwich Observe a Tree.

Two of the price of one for you!

Fruity!

2010-01-14T13:34:00.002Z

Q: What is C. S. Lewis' favourite fruit?

A: A banarnia

A Smorgasbord of Football

2010-01-13T18:11:00.002Z

Q: What is the most unappetising thing you can be served in the FIFA headquaters canteen?

A: Sepp Platter.

GOLAZO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-01-13T18:09:00.001Z

Q: How do you make an Irishman cry?

A: Knock them out of the World Cup with a handball assist.

The Greengrocer of Doom

2010-01-13T18:03:00.002Z

Q: What do you call a gloomy vegetable?

A: A Melancholyflower.

A big thank you to miss Teri Rosenbaum for that.

The Last Will & Testament of Ken Livingstone

2010-01-08T01:11:00.003Z

Bum

2010-01-05T13:27:00.000Z

Q: Why was the bigot scared to return to his house?

A: Because he was homophobic.

I like this one

2009-12-30T22:11:00.001Z

Why was the morbid ancient Egyptian ruler offered a member of his court to fellate while he was planning a double funeral for himself and his Queen?

Because he said he wanted two sarcophagi