The Crumbliest, Flakiest Joke in the World

Q: Why can't you trust dematologists?

A: Because they make rash decisions.

Primate Pun

Q: Why did the Zoo Keeper always feel that he had to prove himself?

A: Because he had a chimp on his shoulder.

Nouvelle Vague

Q: What do French people eat at the cinema?

A: François Truffle.

120 Days of Sod All

Why are people without an anus so lazy?

Because they can't be arsed

Works Better When Read than Said #2

Q: How does the Pope make phone calls?

A: On the Popemobile.

Works Better When Read than Said

Q: Whats the most surly form of transport?

A: Moped.

Wanted: Bread or Alive

Q: How do you sexually satisfy a girl who works at Gregs the Bakers?

A: Just use your loaf

Q: But what does she really want in bed?

A: A nice sandwich

Ah, I'm on a roll, get it? ON A ROLL.

Garden of Delights

A: I've got a massive collection of garden tools.

B: Really? How many?

A: A shedload!

It's wrong but it feels so good

OK, so this is a filthy one. I've censored it, but I think we all know what it says:

Q: How do you get a girl to **** it up *** ****?

A: Just butter her up

Sink or Swim

Q: Why are French swimming pools so dirty?

A: Because of all the piscine.


Kudos to my mate Neil White on that one.

Knockin' On Heaven's Door

Kill me now

Arnie is working in a supermarket

Customer: Excuse me young man, where can I find the peanut butter?

Arnie: I am not sure. I think it's in aisle C, at the front.

[Customer walks away. Arnie realises he's made a mistake.]

Arnie [shouting]: No wait... AISLE B. BACK

Sub-Sahara Darlink

Q: What do you call a small African state that REALLY likes diamonds and furs?

A: Zsa Zsa Gabon.

A Lidl joke for you...

Q: How do you stop a dodgy Burberry-clad kid from stealing a loaf of bread?

A: Seperate the wheat from the chav

Logistical Nightmare

Q: How do you get a fat bird into bed?

A: With a crane.



Via Dan "The Jewish Hamster" Alterman. Strong work chap!

Rain Stops Play

Q: Which tennis player had the best facial hair?

A: Arthur Tashe.

Bill Gates: Hip Hop Mogul

Q: Which Microsoft Application is savvy in street lingo?

A: Word!

This for the match...

Which tennis player is a popular staple of vegetarian dishes?

Ivan Lentil

Work with me on this one

Q: What do you call a tennis player, who when spotted by a cockney geezer in a crowd of witches, causes surprise by actually being a witch himself?

A: Cor, and even e's a witch!

Goran Ivanišević

And another!

Which tennis player likes to swing doors around a fixed point?

Martina Hinges

Set, Mr. Horse!

Which tennis player is a stroppy layabout who is ill-prepared for the real world?

Martina Naive, ratty loafer

These titles are getting personal. Game, Mr. Horse!

What tennis player cooks on rustic solid-fuel burning ovens?

Andre Aga-ssi

Looks like Cosmic Horse is playing Swingball by himself

Q: Which Tennis player goes around daubing their tag on walls?

A: Steffi Graffiti.




Too obvious. I'm sorry.

Ace!

Which tennis player could have been a refreshing sweet in another life?

Latent Chewit

Deuce

Which tennis player tears around on high-powered watergoing vehicles?

Greg Ru-jetski

The rally continues...

How do tennis players post parcels?

Via Roger Federal Express

And Henman into the net! Oh, bugger.

What is a tennis player's favourite robotic race?

The Bjorn Borg

And backhand to you...

Q: What is a tennis player's favourite pasta?

A: John Macaroni.

Return of serve

Q. What is a tennis player's favourite refreshing sweet?

A. Andy Murray Mints

Serving drinks

Q: What is a tennis player's favorite drink?

A: Bjorn Kronenbourg.