To build, or not to build?

Q. Who is the most literary of all Victorian engineers?

A. Isam-Bard Kingdom Brunel

School of thought

Q. Where do fish eggs go to study?

A. Roehampton University

Smells a bit fishy

Q. Where do liberal fish find their perfect partner?

A. Guardian Shoalmates

Ferrero Rocher A-Go-Go

Q: Why can't ambassadors get syphilis?

A: Because they have diplomatic immunity.



Q: Why can't ambassadors get into Baile Funk?

A: Because they have diplo-matic immunity.

The award for chronic fatigue goes to...

At which award ceremony is everybody really tired?

The M.E. awards.

Addressing the shortage of jokes about Addis Ababa...

Which Ethiopian city is really good at maths?

Addis Abacus

In which Ethiopian city do the people wear a lot of chavvy sportswear?

Adidas Ababa

Kremlin Gremlin

Q: Why does George Smiley love Russia?

A: Because Moscow rules!

All Along The Watchtower

Q: Why does God always have an alibi?

A: Cos he's got loads of Jehovah Witnesses.

ill at (tr)ees (sorry)

What's a hypochondriac's favourite tree?

Sicker more.

Smack my bitch up!

Why was the pitch control knob thrown out of the posh restaurant?

Because it lowered the tone.

Roasting Chestnuts on an Open Fire

Q: How does a Christmas Tree get out of a burning building?

A: Via the Fir Escape.

Typographical Errors

Nam, Man

Q: How did the Viet Cong distract the American GIs?

A: They launched the Tit Offensive.

Suffragette City

Q: Where do REALLY militant feminists go to jail?

A: HMP Pankhurst.

Ooh, in-jokes now!

Which homemade jokes contributor goes to kinky fancy-dress parties?

Hire-a-Cat-Suit

Human After All

Dickhead

Q: What do you call someone with a penis in the middle of their face?

A: Fuck knows.


Credit to my mate Matt Hull on that one.

Goldeneyes Closed

Q: What do James Bond's favourite drink and a narcoleptic have in common?

A: They are both shaken, not stirred.

Double

Q: Why do double glazers hate their job fitting windows?
A: Because it's a pane.

Ask Jeeves

Q: What's Hugh Laurie's favourite type of music?

A: House

Jokey Rappinghood

Q: What do half of Talking Heads have in common with London minicab drivers?

A: They're all members of Tom Tom Club.

An Unlikely Scenario

Q: What's the difference between giving your mate an inflatable sex doll on his stag do, and "accidentally" giving the same novelty sex toy to his kid brother?

A: One's kidding the groom, one's grooming the kid

shopping and stuff

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Cross Breed

Q: What do you get if you mix the gene pool of ex-england footballer Paul Ince, with the gene pool of a spider?

A: An incey wincey spider

Rain rain go away

Q:Why did the Mayor of Sheffield applaud the flood?
A: Because it was flash

Ooooh, topical!

Q: How do terrorists find their way to places like Glasgow Airport and the Tiger Tiger nightclub?

A: With their Bomb Bomb SatNav.

Strawberries & Cream & BOOZE

Q: Which Wimbledon winner was a bit of a drinker?

A: Fred Sherry.

Dude #1

So there's this dude I knew, and one day this dude, he was hanging out with Boo Radley, you know, like from To Kill A Mocking Bird, and Boo Radley'd made this delicious dessert from whipped egg whites and sugar, and he gave it to this dude, but the dude took a bite and didn't like it much so he just threw it into the air, but it came right back and hit him in the face, and I said, duh, that's what happens when you throw a Boo meringue, and ah forget it.

The Game of Life

Q: Why is it good to play on your Xbox 360 after you've been dumped by your girlfriend?

A: Because games console

I think I might be reopening a can of worms by making this joke...

Q: What does a tennis players wear on their head?

A: A Roger Fedora.