Punchy

A man beat his wife up whilst getting dressed for work.

He was a cross dresser.

Grumpy Brass

Q: What do you call a prostitute who can't stop complaining and whinging about her rancid itchy minge?
A: A hormone.

Another honeymoon chortle

Q: At the French Open, what did John McEnroe say to the umpire, who also happened to be a duck?

A: You canard be serious.

Chili Sauce Bosphorous?

Q: How do you shut Donna up?

A: Shush Kebab

One I made up on honeymoon

Q: What do you call a person who gets turned on by Greek cheese?

A: A Fetashist.

If you've got a problem, if no one else can help, try your mum.

Post A-Team, what is Dirk Benedict's favourite band?

Face No More

Casawanker

Q: Which African city is the most sour?

A: Tangier.

Me again

Why was the obsessive pedicurist always nicking things from his customers?

Because he was a clip-toe maniac

Crunch

The government today was trying to talk up this countries economy.Peter Mandelson was reported to say that we are experiencing green shoots.In response to his comment the Chancellor Alastair Darling said that he expects buds in May.

I've been away for a while.

Q: There are two vans sitting in a parking lot. How can you tell which is the more extravagant and flamboyant of the two?

A: The camper van.

Cosmic Horse- finger on the pulse

Why was Shilpa Shetty so upset when somebody gave her an expenseive green jewel as a present?

Because she doesn't like jade goodies

Interesting image

Which Grammy award-winning composer wrote the Pink Panther theme while wearing a revealing item of male swimwear?

Henry Mankini

A quivering, gelatinous chunk of mystery meat

A) My wife went to a restaurant in south-east London the other day - the food was dreadful, like something you'd feed your pet.

B) Catford?

A) No, more like dog food, but horrible all the same.

quack

Q: What is Libyas favourite cartoon character?
A: Gaddaffy-Duck

A very convenient pun

Why do mathematicians love it when Bill Clinton's vice president dances?

Because he uses Al Gore rhythms

I don't know where this came from

What's Edward VIII's favourite type of cake?

Abdicake

Betblah blah de blah blah blah

A: My friend from the North West is very concerned about ethical eating habits.

B: Vegan?

A: No, I think he's from Ormskirk

Better when blah blah blah

A: When I go to visit my friends, they always make sure I have a nice warm cover on my bed.

B: Do they?

A: Well, it's more of an old-fashioned bedspread, but it's a very nice gesture nonetheless.

Just weird

Why did the racist Cumberland sausages decide to commit genocide against their smooth, red-skinned and extra spicy brethren?

Because they said they came from a primitive saveloysation

Football joke. It's been a while.

Which Arsenal player is made entirely of pasta and mince?

Bacary Lasagne

Now for something not very different at all

Q. Where does dead muesli get interred?

A. In a muesoleum

Now for something completely different

Where do you keep old muesli?

In a mueslium

Apart from this one anyways...

Where do all the geordie loose women live?

Here

This will be the last funny place name joke. I promise.*

Q: Where do randy French men like to go?

A: Here.


*Not strictly a real promise.

Quantum Physics 2

Q. How was Sam in Quantum Leap outclassed in his David Bowie impersonation?

A. Ziggy played guitar

Quantum Physics

Q. Why couldn't Sam quantum leap into Tim Burton?

A. Because Al is in Wonderland

Big Man On Campus

Q: Why should you always praise Robert Altman, but never David Fincher?

A: Don't hate The Player, hate The Game.

More GoogleMaps humour.

Q: On which road in London do cows go to eat?

A: Here.

Your Mum.

Q: Where does your Mum live?

A: Here.

From out of Nowhere

Why was the pilot able to see the faraway drawing pins strewn in his path before take-off?

Because he was tack-seeing down the runway