Poor, Neglected Homemade Jokes

What do you call someone who studies Thundercats?

A Panthropologist

Couldn't think of a way to work 'knickerless' into this, sadly

How does the president of France keep his woodwork tools warm?

He uses his saw-cosy

Carcrash humour

Q: How do you steal a motor in Central America?

A: Nickajaguar

MILF Hunters

Q: What do you call a Jazzman that can't stop wanking?

A: Herbie Handcock

J'aime le comedie!

Q: Which French pop starlet and actor likes pastiche songs?

A: Vanessa Parody.

An Oliver Stone film- coming this Fall

Where do female TV presenters go to get assassinated?

Cat Deeley Plaza

Bodacious Bonnet!

Q: What's the best hat in the world?

A: The Awesomebrero.

Literate!

Which terse, 1930s, American novelist used to get really focused when he was fixing the bottom of some garment or other?

Ernest Hemingway

New! Homemade Limericks! To be sure, to be sure.

There once was a man called Joe

Whose daughter looked good for a go

So he locked up the brat

In an underground flat

And now he's got sixchildren mo'

It's like Chris Akabusi all over again

Q: Which American actor keeps waterfowl in bags?

A: John Goose-Sack


A communal team effort there.

Hand in your Otis

Q. Where was Otis Redding after he got arrested in Devon?

A. Sitting in the dock in Torbay

oh deer

Q. What do you call a kingdom where all the minor subjects are deer?

A. Doe-minion

If no-one else wants it, I'll have this one.

Q: Where does your driver sleep?

A: In a chauffeur-bed.

Return of a classic theme

What do you call someone who like to have sex with plasticine?

A play-dohphile

Can't think of a title for this one

Why did Josh Homme get thrown out of Boots?

Because he tried to use them crooked vouchers.

The skies have cracked open.

Q: Why did EasJet start employing roosters and hens?

A: They needed staff for their chicken desk.

Music!

Which rock band only allows neurotic, obsessive people, who perform the same small, meaningless tasks again and again, to join their ranks?

OCDC

Geography!

Why did all the weasly crawlers decide to leave Portsmouth and the surrounding area?

Because they were sick of Hants.

Latin!

Where do very proactive people go to buy their flooring?

Carpet Diem

I wonder if there is such a place..?

Where do R&B producers go to buy materials for a log cabin?

Timber Land

Sort of true, I suppose

Which boxer was always going on about different religious traditions and beliefs?

Mohammed R.E.

Shiver Me Little Gray Cells

Original joke by Mrs De La Resistance

Fruity

Q: Why did the food seller get the sack?

A: He committed an act of grocer misconduct.

Take a Wee on the Wild Side (how grown-up)

Which 1960s singer-songwriter also does a good line in toilet books?

Lou Reed

Cat in a Crown

Q: What do you call a french monarch running a feline prostitution ring?

A: Louis Cat-whores.


Courtesy of Russell Newlove

Oh my! (Said in Georgia accent. That's Georgia as in the American State, not the Eastern European country)

Which Wacky Races character likes to go out and get lagered up?

Penelope Pissed-up

Like Casino, But Worse

Q: What's a wiseguy's favourite game?

A: Badabingo.

Yeah, I Went There

Q: Why are there no dress sizes in subterranean Austria?

A: Because one size Fritzl.

Sweet Home South West London

Q: What do you call a rocking bird with no eyes that doesn't like flying?

A: Lynyrd Skynyrd.

Work it, baby

Which 'photographer of freaks' has four engines and a cruising speed of 945 km/h?

Diane Airbus