I like driving in my car...

We were heading up the M1 the other day and there was a sign that said "Don't drive tired." I thought "what else am I supposed to put on my wheels?"

Maybe my least favourite person in the world... including all murderers, rapists and so on.

What do you call an R 'n' B singer who has been cast out from polite society?

Pariah Carey

No Whey!

Q: Why did little miss Muffet pop over to Iraq when she was peckish?

A: Because she heard there was loads of Kurds over there.

A theme is developing...

Where do Russians do a shit when they don't have easy access to a toilet?

In the Vladimir Poo-tin

Communist Good Housekeeping

Q: How does Mikhail Gorbachev view the world?

A: From behind his ironed curtains.

I like this one

Which former communist country was made entirely from napkins?

The Serviette Union

More Thundercats

What do panthropologists use on the floor of their kitchens?

Lion-o

Poor, Neglected Homemade Jokes

What do you call someone who studies Thundercats?

A Panthropologist

Couldn't think of a way to work 'knickerless' into this, sadly

How does the president of France keep his woodwork tools warm?

He uses his saw-cosy

Carcrash humour

Q: How do you steal a motor in Central America?

A: Nickajaguar

MILF Hunters

Q: What do you call a Jazzman that can't stop wanking?

A: Herbie Handcock

J'aime le comedie!

Q: Which French pop starlet and actor likes pastiche songs?

A: Vanessa Parody.

An Oliver Stone film- coming this Fall

Where do female TV presenters go to get assassinated?

Cat Deeley Plaza

Bodacious Bonnet!

Q: What's the best hat in the world?

A: The Awesomebrero.

Literate!

Which terse, 1930s, American novelist used to get really focused when he was fixing the bottom of some garment or other?

Ernest Hemingway

New! Homemade Limericks! To be sure, to be sure.

There once was a man called Joe

Whose daughter looked good for a go

So he locked up the brat

In an underground flat

And now he's got sixchildren mo'

It's like Chris Akabusi all over again

Q: Which American actor keeps waterfowl in bags?

A: John Goose-Sack


A communal team effort there.

Hand in your Otis

Q. Where was Otis Redding after he got arrested in Devon?

A. Sitting in the dock in Torbay

oh deer

Q. What do you call a kingdom where all the minor subjects are deer?

A. Doe-minion

If no-one else wants it, I'll have this one.

Q: Where does your driver sleep?

A: In a chauffeur-bed.

Return of a classic theme

What do you call someone who like to have sex with plasticine?

A play-dohphile

Can't think of a title for this one

Why did Josh Homme get thrown out of Boots?

Because he tried to use them crooked vouchers.

The skies have cracked open.

Q: Why did EasJet start employing roosters and hens?

A: They needed staff for their chicken desk.

Music!

Which rock band only allows neurotic, obsessive people, who perform the same small, meaningless tasks again and again, to join their ranks?

OCDC

Geography!

Why did all the weasly crawlers decide to leave Portsmouth and the surrounding area?

Because they were sick of Hants.

Latin!

Where do very proactive people go to buy their flooring?

Carpet Diem

I wonder if there is such a place..?

Where do R&B producers go to buy materials for a log cabin?

Timber Land

Sort of true, I suppose

Which boxer was always going on about different religious traditions and beliefs?

Mohammed R.E.

Shiver Me Little Gray Cells

Original joke by Mrs De La Resistance

Fruity

Q: Why did the food seller get the sack?

A: He committed an act of grocer misconduct.