Here comes the Bride...

Q: Why are the flowers at a wedding so cold?

A: Because the bride froze the bouquet.

Wrestling Joke #3 (of 83)

Q: Why did Hulk Hogan take a gun into the wrestling ring?

A: Because he wanted a shot at the title

Military Honours

Q: Why wasn't the B52 a great success?

A: Because it totally bombed
______________________________________
Q: Why wasn't the Panzer very popular?
A: Because it tanked

Q: Why wasn't the submarine very good?
A: It was sub-standard

Q: Why was the RPG launcher great fun?
A: Because it was a blast

Q: Why was the battleship neat and tidy?
A: It was ship-shape

Q: Why was the missile always right?
A: It was bang on

Q: Why was the heli - ah fuck it, this is getting silly

Wrestling Joke #2 (of 83)

Q: Which wrestler is always stone cold?

A: The Rock

Hollywood Heroes #1

Q: What Hollywood action hero hangs around trawlers, eats raw fish, and craps on people's heads?

A: Steven Seagull

I'm Loving It

Q: What is the best McDonald's selling breakfast meal in the Caribbean?

A: The McRagamuffin Meal.

The mark of a great joke

Q: Whats the crappest punctuation mark?

A The Colon.

Classically Crude

Q: Why did Georges write so much music?

A: Because he was a Bizet cunt.

Hot Stuff

Q: What did the callous fireman say to the person who's house burnt down?

A: Gutted!

Ah, a classic pub joke

A penguin walks into a pub, walks up to the bar, and asks the landlord for a pint of beer.

The landlord looks at the penguin incredulously, and says:

"Sure, I'll get you a pint of lager. Just one thing though, and correct me if I'm wrong, but you're a penguin right?"

"Sure," says the penguin.

"So you haven't got any money then, or indeed any pockets to even hold any money."

"Nope."

"Well, how are you going to pay for this pint then?"

The penguin thinks for a bit, and says:

"Well, how about if I do a little dance for you? Everyone likes dancing penguins right? That's got to be worth a pint?"

"Hmmm..." replies the landlord. "OK then. Let's see it."

So the penguin limbers up, and dancing to the amazing beat in his head, performs a tight routine of body popping and breakdancing, with the final movement being an impeccable moonwalk on his little flippers.

"Well," says the landlord, "I'm impressed. Let me get that beer for you."

"Actually," says the penguin, "I'm only messing with you. I don't really drink beer - I'M A FUCKING PENGUIN!"

Yum yum

Q: Why is Morrocan cuisine so popular?

A: Because its Moorish.

Not On The Yelllow Submarine

Q: Why does Paul McCartney always get the ferry to the Isle of Wight?

A: Because he's got a ticket to Ryde.

Missed Connections Messages

Trying something new. Wonder what's the stupidest, most surreal, or scariest one of these you could get in the paper?

To the English rose I sat opposite yesterday on the 8:45, want me to prune and water you?

To the lady in the burka on the Victoria line at Stockwell - you have beautiful eyes. Drink?

To the Brazilian I saw this morning - how about wearing some knickers next time?

More in comments...

Save your money.

Q: How to Chelsea FC pay their player's wages?

A: By Chec.

Monty Pythons snohtyP ytnoM

Q: Why does a travel programme starring a British comedian sound the same backwards?

A: Because it's a Palindrone.

Wrestling Joke #1 (of 83)

Q: What did Neil Armstrong say when he saw Mick Foley thrown 16 feet from the top of the steel cage by The Undertaker in the Hell in a Cell match at King of the Ring 1997?

A: That's one small step for man, one giant leap for Mankind.

Seaman Staines and Master Bates

Q: What to call a Navy Admiral who likes Oral Sex?

A: Felatio Nelson.

A Really Cheesy Joke

Q: What do you call the cheese thats fallen off a lorry and is covering the road?

A: De-brie.

Benedictus, benedictus

How do monks overpower intruders into the monastery?

Force of habit

The Crumbliest, Flakiest Joke in the World

Q: Why can't you trust dematologists?

A: Because they make rash decisions.

Primate Pun

Q: Why did the Zoo Keeper always feel that he had to prove himself?

A: Because he had a chimp on his shoulder.

Nouvelle Vague

Q: What do French people eat at the cinema?

A: François Truffle.

120 Days of Sod All

Why are people without an anus so lazy?

Because they can't be arsed

Works Better When Read than Said #2

Q: How does the Pope make phone calls?

A: On the Popemobile.

Works Better When Read than Said

Q: Whats the most surly form of transport?

A: Moped.

Wanted: Bread or Alive

Q: How do you sexually satisfy a girl who works at Gregs the Bakers?

A: Just use your loaf

Q: But what does she really want in bed?

A: A nice sandwich

Ah, I'm on a roll, get it? ON A ROLL.

Garden of Delights

A: I've got a massive collection of garden tools.

B: Really? How many?

A: A shedload!

It's wrong but it feels so good

OK, so this is a filthy one. I've censored it, but I think we all know what it says:

Q: How do you get a girl to **** it up *** ****?

A: Just butter her up

Sink or Swim

Q: Why are French swimming pools so dirty?

A: Because of all the piscine.


Kudos to my mate Neil White on that one.

Knockin' On Heaven's Door