This scruffy far out guy is walking up a street. He reaches into his pocket to check for stuff...He has no wallett,nothing.He walks up a garden path and knocks at the door...
The door opens
"Hi there how can I help you".
The scruffy man replies.
"Do you believe in Free Speech ?..."
The man at the door answers.
"Why yes, yes indeed I do"
The scruffy man charges through the door and says...
"Very good now let me use your fucking phone innit"
Thursday, 31 July 2008
Wednesday, 30 July 2008
Que?
Q: What makes me Cross?
A: A Carpenter with a couple of pieces of wood,a saw and some nails or screws depending on the size.
Wednesday, 23 July 2008
Bingley
Q:Why was the man wearing a Turban so annoyed by skinheads in Bradford?
A: He was Sikh and tired of being called a Muslim.
Tuesday, 22 July 2008
Crime Scene Investimagationating
Q) What's Tim Westwood's favourite TV show?
A) CS-Aiii!
(Seriously it is - he can relate to all the shootings and shit, cos he's so street, aiii?!)
OK, might as well do the bonus round:
Q) What do call an android hip-hop DJ that's gone mad and started killing people?
A) Tim Westworld
Q) Which hip-hop DJ sailed across the Atlantic?
A) Tim Westward
Q) What do you call a hip-hop DJ that lets cars run over him in Ladbroke Grove?
A) Tim Westway
Veg Out
How do greengrocers strangle people?
With a carrotte
What do greengrocers use to round up sheep?
A collie-flour
And so on...
Don't know where this came from...
Why did the international court of human rights refuse to allow a woman to give birth into an old LP cover?
Because it would've been sleeve labour
More bakery fun
Why did the train drive over the very flat French pastry?
Because it was a level croissant
Syndicat D'Initiative
Where do bulls go for help when they're on holiday?
The Taurus Information Centre
Monday, 21 July 2008
Cooking With The Count
Q: Why was the flour not put into foster care when its parents ran off?
A: Because it was self-raising.
Friday, 18 July 2008
This has never happened to me. Honest.
Q: What do you call it when someone is constantly telling you to wash because you smell too much?
A: A de-odour rant.
Thursday, 17 July 2008
Tuesday, 15 July 2008
Symphony of Destruction
Why wouldn't the strict parent let her child watch DVDs of his favourite jazz/ classical crossover band?
Because they were full of sax and violins.
Monday, 14 July 2008
Friday, 11 July 2008
Poor, In Two Definitions Of The Word
Q: What's the best type of chocolate bar to eat during a recession?
A: A Credit Crunchie.
Tuesday, 8 July 2008
000001 Binary Solo
Q: Where on the world wide web do people go to discuss their limbs?
A: Internet Forearms.
Wednesday, 2 July 2008
Thursday, 26 June 2008
Tour de Farce
Q) How many legs are there in the Tour de France?
A) I don't know, but try counting the number of bikes and times it by two.
Two jokes within 5 minutes? Unheard of.
Q: How did the motorist feel about the penalty they were given for driving too fast?
A: Fine.
One I've been meaning to post for ages...
Q: Where do Formula 1 drivers stay when they're in London?
A: The Lewisham Hilton.
Courtesy of Matt 'Fernando' Hull
Monday, 23 June 2008
Contras get debriefed
In which South American country is women's underwear most popular?
Knicker-agua
Friday, 20 June 2008
"And this footage of a container of nuclear waste being hit by an express train shows that there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO FEAR from nuclear power!"
What do nuclear physicists put in their flower beds?
Depleted geraniums
Thursday, 19 June 2008
Smirkish Turkish Vol.17
Q: What do you call a Turkish man celebrating his country's historic win over the Czech republic in the middle of Prague?
A: Doner Meat.
Smirkish Turkish Vol.16
Q: What do you call a Turkish man who is a Milliner for leg joints?
A: Knee-Hat!
Smirkish Turkish Vol.15
Q: What do you call a well fit turkish man between 2 houses when you've been waiting there for two fucking hours?
A: Fine-Ali.
Turkish Smirkish Vol.14
What do you call a turkish man standing inbetween two houses with no eye's?
Al
Turkish Smirkish Vol.12
What do you call a turkish man standing inbetween two houses on his own?
Lone-Ali
Turkish Smirkish vol.11
What do you call a turkish man standing inbetween two houses with a group of relatives?
Fam-Ali
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