me my..lf & I
A load of my books fell off onto my head this morning. I only have myshelf to blame.
Sunday, 29 March 2009
Tuesday, 24 March 2009
Dyslexics: my favourite target
Why did the dyslexic end up sharing the auditorium for the one millionth show of Cats with a bunch of sea cows?
Because he'd booked tickets for the manatee performance
Revisiting a xenophobic theme
Which spy novelist advises people of the dangers of staring directly at the sun in a comedy Japanese accent?
John Look Aray
Didn't post this for ages because I couldn't think of a title. I'm over that now.
Which German leader could never finish any novels?
Count Otto von Bookmark
Monday, 23 March 2009
Smiley's Very Old People
Q: Which spy novelist covertly works in a French nursing home?
A: John le Carér.
Saturday, 21 March 2009
A juicy pun
Q: Why did the pear go to a meeting with a number of other pears to discuss the issues facing today's pears?
A: It was a Conference.
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
Five pounds and sixty two pence only, guv.
I've got this friend, Dave. Well, I say friend, but really he's a fish. An eel. But... That's not really why I say "Friend" like that though. I'm hestitant to call him a friend because he can be a bit of bastard sometimes, causing trouble, shoplifting, mugging people and the like. But hey, you know, he can be a laugh sometimes too.
Anyway, we were in the pub one day when in walked this banker type, shouting into his mobile phone, giving it all that.
"Watch this," said Dave, as he snuck up behind the banker, and slowly slithered his way into the bankers pocket and pulled out his wallet, all without the banker noticing.
Fuck, I thought, we're in trouble now.
But as it turned out Dave got back to our table with the wallet and no one was any the wiser.
"What did you do that for?" I asked him.
"Well, I thought he looked like some rich bastard, and you know there's a recession on... He can pay for our drinks this afternoon."
Well, I couldn't argue with that. So I took the wallet off Dave and had a look inside.
"Ah, you dumb fuck!" I said to him. "There's nothing in here but an old travel card and a book of second class stamps."
But just then, as luck would have it, the banker's friend walked into the pub and waved at his mate.
"Right," said Dave, "I'm going to go for it again."
"Fair enough," I told him. "I don't want to pay for my own beer."
And so that was the plan - rob new man with David, bad eel.
Monday, 16 March 2009
I'm serious as cancer
Why was the doctor of oncology- famous for his diagnostic abilities- such a big hit on the dating scene?
Because he had a good sense of tumour.
Thursday, 12 March 2009
Wednesday, 11 March 2009
Cheesy Joke
Q: Why did Musical Youth start handing around Gouda?
A: Because they were singing "Pass the Dutch cheese on the left hand side."
Monday, 9 March 2009
Not Worth The Wait
Q: Which spoonerism - that vaguely sounds like some sort of unappealing internet porn site - died with Woolworths?
A: Mick n' Pix.
Friday, 6 March 2009
Thursday, 5 March 2009
Football joke that Hirekatsu won't understand and isn't that funny anyway, but there's nothing else being posted.
Why did the Blackburn players form a band and then take a boat to Lapland last Christmas?
Because they wanted to go on a rockin' Santa cruise
Friday, 20 February 2009
In Soviet Russia, joke laughs at you
I was at the beach in Russia the other day when I spotted a jetski out on the water... Then I noticed there was a whole load of them... There was Ilya Jetski, Vladimir Jetski, Sergei Jetski, Boris Jetski, Aleksei Jetski...
Thursday, 19 February 2009
A V-Bomb Silence
Why were bald men not allowed to speak during World War II?
Because hairless talk costs lives
Monday, 16 February 2009
A bad joke that you need to say out loud.
Q: Why did Satan get dressed up in fancy dress when crossing the Atlantic in an areoplane?
A: Because he was the Devil in de skies.
Jokes that'd be better with a photo #1
Q) Who's the moodiest it-girl in the Shire?
A) Peaches Gandalf
I corrected this joke twice... It's the second amendment... Do you see?
Q) Why did Abraham Lincoln always wear a t-shirt?
A) Because he had the right to bare arms
Saturday, 14 February 2009
Rattling Peas
Q: Why are referees getting fustrated and annoyed?
A: Because there are so many other whistleblowers at the moment.
Wednesday, 11 February 2009
Slightly topical, but not much
Which Israeli politician was most responsible for bringing the internet to the Holy Land?
Benjamin Net 'n' Yahoo!
Saturday, 7 February 2009
Arse
Q: Why was Cesc Fabregas so embarassed and crying in Arsene Wengers arms..?
A: Because he was caught by his manager with his razor in hand bent over 'Arse-shaving' the newest player from Russia in the showers...
Friday, 6 February 2009
Snow is no joke and neither is this crap pun.
Q: Which city is populated by cannibals who like to consume thier former lovers?
A: Exeter.
Wednesday, 4 February 2009
Another stupid man who doesn't understand the basic rules of his profession
Why, after creating a virulent flesh-eating disease, did the virologist give his young child to his sister to coo and fuss over?
Because he wanted to make an auntie dote
Tuesday, 3 February 2009
You'd have to be pretty stupid to try this
Why did the writer's block-stricken author of detective fiction decide to leave the creation of his next novel to a bisected traffic calming prop and a can of Castrol GTX?
Because he'd heard that many of the genre's great works had been written by half a cone and oil
Monday, 2 February 2009
Fuck! Shit! Bollocks! Wank! Hoot hoot!
Why did the little boy start swearing uncontrollably when his parents gave him a pair of verminous rodents as a birthday present?
Because he had two rats syndrome
Friday, 30 January 2009
Class B joke
Q. Why was the telephone operator always stoned?
A. Because she kept hitting the hash key.
Thursday, 29 January 2009
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