Hit TV Pitch

Did you hear about Channel 4's new show in which farmers go to each others harvests and secretly rate each other?

It's called 'Combine With Me'.

Hola

Q: Why were the unruly people no longer allowed in the bar owned by an Oscar winning Spanish actor?

A: Javier Bardem.

Topical Football Joke (sort of)

Q. What do grandma-shagging Wayne Rooney and Rafa Benitez have in common?

A. They both like a bit of the Old Lady

Allez allez!

What do you call a former French president who drives a taxi?

Francois Meter-on

Crystal Not-So-Amazing

Q: Why does Richard O'Brien always leave the pub at last orders?

A: Because he hates lock-ins.

Cunterbury Tales

Which 12th Century poet was a bit of a dodgy geezer?

Geoffrey Chancer

Crystal Amazing No. 5

Q: Where does Richard O'Brien go for pasta?

A: The Calzone.

Crystal Amazing No. 4

Q: Where would Richard O'Brien go if he wasn't bald and wanted a really cool hair do?

A: The Fro-Zone.

Crystal Amazing No.3

Q: How Richard O'Brien get from North Korea to South Korea?

A: He goes through the Demilitarized Zone.

Crystal Amazing No.2

Q: How does Richard O'Brien win Irish singing crystals?

A: He goes to the Boy Zone.

Crystal Amazing No.1

Q) How does Richard O'Brien relax?

A) He goes into the Comfort Zone.

Delicious

Q: What is the most musical fruit?

A: Chuckberry.

Just like that!

Why did Tommy Cooper's wife leave him?

Because he had a fez.

Special offer joke! 2-4-1!

Q: Where in London can you go and look at David Cameron, Boris Johnson and George Osborne?

A: The Greenwich Observe a Tory.



Q: Where in London can you go and look at Oaks, Beeches, Larches and Weeping Willows?

A: The Greenwich Observe a Tree.



Two of the price of one for you!

Fruity!

Q: What is C. S. Lewis' favourite fruit?

A: A banarnia

A Smorgasbord of Football

Q: What is the most unappetising thing you can be served in the FIFA headquaters canteen?

A: Sepp Platter.

GOLAZO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Q: How do you make an Irishman cry?

A: Knock them out of the World Cup with a handball assist.

The Greengrocer of Doom

Q: What do you call a gloomy vegetable?

A: A Melancholyflower.

A big thank you to miss Teri Rosenbaum for that.

The Last Will & Testament of Ken Livingstone

Bum

Q: Why was the bigot scared to return to his house?

A: Because he was homophobic.

I like this one

Why was the morbid ancient Egyptian ruler offered a member of his court to fellate while he was planning a double funeral for himself and his Queen?

Because he said he wanted two sarcophagi

La la la

Q: Why did the pop starlett have a bloody nose and bogies on her fingers?

A: Because she Pixie Lott.

Tinky-Winky, Blitzkrieg, La La... Po

Why did the Israeli secret service arrest one of the Teletubbies when he appeared on another children's programme?

Because they were after the guest-star-Po

The blog seems to be dying, hopefully this death based joke will save it.

Q: What did Haley Joel Osment say when walking through a graveyard on a frosty morning?

A: Icy dead people.

Just a Quickie

What should you prescribe to somebody with low self esteem?

Complimentary medicine

Fagin

I saw someone pickpocket a midget the other day.
How could someone stoop so low..?

My Way

Q: What did Frank Sinatra say when he was asked if he had eaten enough herons?

A: "Egrets! I've had a few. But then again, too few to mention."

A 7 year old made up this joke last week

Q: What is a fish's favourite website?

A: An official website.



Props to an child at a school in west London that shall remain anonymous.

Causality In Effect

Q: Why do you vomit everywhere if you drink too much American lager?

A: Because it's Coors and Effect.

Two in one day- this is more like it!

Why did the angry mob attack the baker who obsessively put mange tous in all his products?

Because he was a pea/dough-phile