Art in Space no. 1: Salvador Dalek

"Democratic societies are unfit for the publication of such thunderous revelations as I am in the habit of making."

This is as about as low as it gets...

Q: Where does a masturbating woman keep her food?

A: In a frig.

The Count's Family Christmas Offering

Q: What did the masonic beaver say to the tree?

A: "Want to join my lodge?"


Courtesy of my mum.

You'll Go Down in History!

The most important joke of the day.

Q: What did Salvador Dalí have for breakfast?

A: A bowl of surreal.

That thing had a go at me for yawning- what a cheek!

What large African river animal encourages others to do as it says, not as it does?

A Hypocritapotamous

History joke with lazy title

Who is the most facetious historian?

Dr. David Sarky

Non-Christmas joke for all the Scrooges

Why was the generic woman irritable and emotional before tucking in to her bag of chocolate-coated confections?

Because she was suffering from Pre-Minstrel Tension

The Goose is Getting Phat

Travis Tickle

In response to this one.

True

Q: What Japanese spice was big in the early 2000s?

A: Wazzzabi!

General Lee: Chemical Threat

Tech? No.

I pressed the button on my MP3 player the other day to lock the controls out so it wouldn't get knocked and accidentally turned on in my pocket, but when I looked at the screen, the belligerent little thing was displaying "Hold On". No, I thought, do it now! I'm not waiting for you to get you're act together, you stupid piece of crap. Damn technology.

Q:What is Elton Johns prefered flavour of soup?

Gipo bangers

Q: What is a gipsy's favourite type of sausage?
A: The Gipolata

Scotch Firemen

Q: What is the busiest night for Scottish Firemen..?
A: Burns night

This one really is terrible...

Which slightly insipid music producer is made entirely out of chewing gum?

William Orbit

Is that a bad joke I hear?

Q: Why did the employee's boss make nothing but a high pitched squeal duing their appraisal?

A: They were giving him feedback.

Now a major motion picture:

What rice-based dish is garnished with machine guns?

Rat-a-tat-a-touille

A bit obvious...

What's a zombie's favourite booze?

Brains

Champagne Supernova in the lake of eternal fire! (Doesn't work, Noel)

What does Satan drink when he's celebrating?

Beelzebubbly

What does Stan drink when he goes to an American bar?

Bismiller's

A chip off the old block.

Q: What does Satan put on his chips?

A: The Sauce of All Evil

The Prodigy Experience

My friend's nine year old daughter is something of a genius. My friend was telling me about her the other day - apparently she's taken all of her GCSEs already, and got six A's, two B's and two C's. "Wow, that's great!" I told him. "I always thought she was a six A kind of girl." For some reason my friend never spoke to me again and six months later I found myself on the sex offenders register.

Hay!

Hollywood Icons no. 1- Christian Bale

Salad cream- forbidden under Sharia law

In which region of Afghanistan is mayonnaise most popular?

Hellmann's province

Web two point oh no

Q: Which website lets users upload and share videos of the food they've just eaten?

A: YouChewed

Footballer In Opium Den Shocker

Woof!

What is the favoured accessory of dog-loving guitarists?

A chihuahua pedal

The name is Bond. Horiffic Nightmare Bond.