Wednesday, 29 October 2008


A: Look, there's my dog on TV, auditioning for The X Factor

B: Really, how's it going?

A: Well... My dog's got no nose

B: Your dog's got no nose? How does he smell?

A: Like a winner - even Simon Cowell said yes, and he's through to the next round.

Lysdexic Jokes #1

Did you hear about the dyslexic drug addict who got really good at arithmetic? Yeah, he was addicted to crystal math.

Been done?

Q) How should you walk in west London?

A) With a Notting Hill gait

Tuesday, 28 October 2008

Chelski Jokes Two

Q: What brand of tools to Chelsea footballers use to do their D.I.Y?

A: Ballack & Deco.

Chelski Jokes One

Q: Which footballer is the kinkiest?

A: Michael S&M.

Monday, 27 October 2008



The Tony Adams School Of Scoring (A Drink)

Q: Why was the alcoholic footballer kicked out of the team?

A: Because he was always hitting the bar.

Offa's Dyke: Joke Mecca

Q: Where do people in Powys go swimming?

A: Welshpool.

Walt Disney Cross-Branding Exercise

Q: What happened when the cast of 'One of Our Dinosaurs is Missing' went missing?

A: The search party went finding Derek Nimmo.


Q: What is a scatty secretary's favourite film?

A: Finding memo.


Q:Which wannabe next American president is described as being crinkle cut?
A: Mccain

It's now the 27th and Akabusi is soo last week...

Q: Why did I have so much trouble finding my must wear shorts of 2008 this morning?
A: Because they are camoflauged.

Friday, 24 October 2008

Kriss Akabusi Week 50

Q: Which former athlete is the best at entertaining small children?

A: Kriss Peek-Abusi.

And let us never mention this ever again.

Kriss Akabusi Week 49

Q: Which former athlete is most likely to compose an impressionist violin sonata?

A: Kriss Aka-Debussy.

Kriss Akabusi Week 48

Q: Which former athlete practices a branch of Islam?

A: Kriss Aka-Sunni.

Kriss Akabusi Week 47

Q: Which former athlete houses a large collection of antique cars?

A: Kriss Aka-Beaulieu.

Kriss Akabusi Week 46

Q: Which former athlete has a serious gambling problem?

A: Kriss Aka-Bookie.

Kriss Akabusi Week 45

Q: Which former athlete is a sex maniac?

A: Kriss Aka-Nookie.

Kriss Akabusi Week 44

Q: Which former athlete really likes biscuits?

A: Kriss Aka-Cookie.

Kriss Akabusi Week 43

Q) Which former athlete makes a great programming language?

A) Kriss Akabu C... Or Kriss Akabu C++ if you prefer.

Kriss Akabusi Week 42

Q) Which former athlete is called Kriss Akabusi?

A) Kriss Akabusi

Kriss Akabusi Week 41

Q) Which former athlete is now the dictator of Libya?

A) Kriss Ak-Gaddafi

Kriss Akabusi Week 40

Q) Which former athlete do you start saying the name of, and then realise that you have no idea who they are?

A) Kriss Aka-who's he?

Kriss Akabusi Week 39

Q: Which former atlete still gets breast fed?

A: Kriss Suckabooby.

Kriss Akabusi Week 38

Q: Which former athlete got fired?

A: Kriss Sackabusi

Courtesy of Pete Searles.

Kriss Akabusi Week 37

Q: Which former athlete has a beard?

A: Kriss Has-A-Goatie

Courtesy of Coxster.

Thursday, 23 October 2008

Kriss Akabusi Week 36

Q: Which former athlete wants to be a rock star?

A: Kriss Nickelback-Abusi.

Kriss Akabusi Week 35

Q: Which former athlete will help you stick posters of Bros on your bedroom wall?

A: Kriss Blu-Tac-Abusi.

Kriss Akabusi Week 34

Q: Which former athlete prefers the spray and pray method of drive by shooting?

A: Kriss Aka-Uzi.

Kriss Akabusi Week 33

Q: Which former athlete is really useful if you absolutely, positively have to kill every motherfucker in the room?

A: Kriss AK-47-Abusi.

Kriss Akabusi Week 32

Q: Which former athlete is a real coward?

A: Kriss Aka-Pussy.

Kriss Akabusi Week 31

Q: Which former athlete has his own clothing line?

A: Kriss Aka-Stussy.

Kriss Akabusi Week 30

Q) Which former athlete is going to explode any moment now?

A) Kriss A-Ka-BOOOM-si

Wednesday, 22 October 2008

Kriss Akabusi Week 29

Q: Which former athlete was ITV's answer to 'Hartbeat'?

A: Kriss Art-Attack-Abusi.

Kriss Akabusi Week 28

Q: Which former athlete had a hit in 1998 with 'Horny'?

A: Kriss Aka-Mousse T featuring Kriss Hot n' Juicy.

Kriss Akabusi Week 27

Q: Which former athlete is the most likely to lose a day to diarrhoea?

A: Kriss Aka-Loo Seat.

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

Kriss Akabusi Week 26

Q: Which former athlete is a sort of of purple-pink colour?

A: Kriss Aka-Pucey.

Kriss Akabusi Week 25

Q: Which former athlete would like Another 48 Hours?

A: Kriss Aka-Gary Busey.

Kriss Akabusi Week 24

Which former athlete is really good at adding up without a computer?

Kriss Abacusi

Kriss Akabusi Week 23

Q) Why did I have to tell the NSPCC about Kriss?

A) Because he Kriss Ak-abused me

Kriss Akabusi Week 22

Q) What former athlete fought the Bolsheviks in the Russian civil war?

A) Cossack Abusi

Kriss Akabusi Week 21

Q: What did Yoda reply to Kriss Akabusi, when Kriss asked Yoda who was working part time as a taxi drive 'What is this?'

A: Kriss A-Kab-U-See

Kriss Akabusi Week 20

Q: Which former athlete is mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the best looking former athlete of them all?

A: Kriss Aka-Beauty.

Kriss Akabusi Week 19

Q: Which former athlete is most likely to have 'consensual homosexual sex' with 'Maverick' from the film 'Top Gun'?

A: Kriss Aka-Goose-i.

Monday, 20 October 2008

Kriss Akabusi Week 18

Q: Which former athlete is in the legal profession?

A: Kriss Aka-Q.C.

Kriss Akabusi Week 17

Q) Which former athlete is it nice to see, to see him nice?

A) Kriss Aka-Brucie

Kriss Akabusi Week 16

Q) Why couldn't Kriss answer the phone?

A) He was too aka-busy

Kriss Akabusi Week 15

Q) Which former athlete is terrible pop cheese?

A) Kriss Agadoo-doo-doo-push-pineapple-shake-the-tree-si

Kriss Akabusi Week 14

Q) Which former athlete has a useful name for shouting out if you're suddenly at sea and scared?

A) Kriss, ak! A blue sea!

Kriss Akabusi Week 13

Q) If there were such an animal as a kabusi, like some kind of elk or moose or something, and it crept up behind you, what would you say?

A) Christ, a kabusi!

Kriss Akabusi Week 12

Q) What former athlete often just gets called Busi?

A) Kriss, AKA Busi

Kriss Akabusi Week 11

Q) Why did Kriss have no choice but to heckle the last band he saw live?

A) Because Kriss had to boo, see?

Kriss Akabusi Week 10

Q) What former athlete is a traditional form of Japanese theatre?

A) Kriss A-kabuki

Kriss Akabusi Week 9

Which former athlete was slaughtered in the Rwandan genocide of 1994?

Kriss Aka-Tutsi

Sunday, 19 October 2008

Kriss Akabusi Week 8

Q: Which former athlete is the most thoughtful?

A: Kriss Aka-Muse-i.

Kriss Akabusi Week 7

Q: Which former athlete do Kellogg's want to use to advertise their latest cereal?

A: Kriss Aka-Museli.

Kriss Akabusi Week 6

Q: Which former athlete was reared to be the most succulent?

A: Kriss Fat & Juicy.

Saturday, 18 October 2008

Kriss Akabusi Week 5

Q: Which former athlete is the most flirtatious?

A: Kriss Aka-floozy.

Kriss Akabusi Week 4

Q: Which former athlete is the most picky?

A: Kriss Aka-choosy.

Kriss Akabusi Week 3

Q: Which former athlete is the biggest fan of AC/DC?

A: Kriss Acadacabusi.

Kriss Akabusi Week 2

Q: Which former athlete is the biggest drunk?

A: Kriss Aka-boozey.

Kriss Akabusi Week 1

Q: Which former athlete attaches himself to the backs of old style steam trains?

A: Kriss A-caboose-i

Friday, 17 October 2008

Just Like Mamma Used To Make!

Q: What is a cat's favourite pasta sauce?

A: Dol-Miaow.

Those Randy Frenchies

Q: Why do French chickens go to nightclubs?

A: To poulet bird.

This Joke Is A Crime Against Humanity

Q: Which former Yugoslavian politician used to sell vegetables from a van in a ditch?

A: Radish-Van Carrot-Ditch.

Mensch McChinen

Which former member of Kraftwerk used to compete in the Highland Games, and was a dab-hand with the caber?

Karl Bar-toss

Thursday, 16 October 2008


Which Cluedo character likes playing with poo?

Colonel Muss-turd

Some Where Over The Rainbow ii

Q: Why does Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz like hanging out with dead British prime ministers?

A: Because there's no place like sir Alec Douglas-Home.

Some Where Over The Rainbow i

Q: Where does Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz get money out?

A: From the Auntie Em machine.

Stop! In The Name Of Soccer!

Q: Which footballer stops traffic wherever he goes?

A: Jimmy Bollard.

More Liverpool Jokes

Q: Which footballer is the most accomplished linguist?

A: Ryan Babelfish.

I'm not very good at doing the pictures 2

A: I say, I say, I say; My wife recently visited The Netherlands to help in the construction of a major rodent-based building project.

B: Amsterdam?

A: No, I think it was a bridge made out of gophers.

I'm not very good at doing the pictures...

A: I say, I say, I say; A Jewish friend of mine recently visited Canada to buy some meat.

B: Nova Scotia?

A: Well, they assured him it was.

Tuesday, 14 October 2008


Where do speed bumps go to watch comedy?

The Sleeping Policeman's Ball

An intellectual reference for a crap joke.

Q: What do you call the hatred of the study of Jewish signs and symbols?

A: Anti-Semiotic.

Monday, 13 October 2008

Probably Should Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

Q: Did you read John Steinbeck's book about Eve's battle with thrush?

A: It's called Yeast of Eden.

Metal up yer ass! (and other orifices)

What kind of music do women with vaginal yeast infections listen to?

Thrush metal

A lot of typing for a bad punchline

Behavioural scientists have recently discovered that all human beings possess one overriding obsession that guides all subsequent actions. The team have also found that these motivating factors can be divided into three distinct groups; the gastronomic (which the scientists graphically represented as a piece of pie); the narcotic (represented by a cigarette); and the erotic (represented by a gender-neutral human anus). Most astonishingly of all, it was revealed that this discovery had first been made in Ancient Greece (and since lost to the mists of time) where it was known as the 'Pie, Fag, or Arse Theorum'.

Think I might've posted this before...

Who presents 'Who Wants to be an Insect Millionaire'?

Chris Tarrantula

P.S. I know spiders aren't insects, but I didn't want to give away the hilarious punchline

The Old Nag

Why did the man in the unhappy marriage give his wife a stupid pony?

Because she'd told him she wanted a div horse

I had to invent a new animal for this one!

Where do brain hippopotamouses go to college?

In the hippo campus

That man is twisted!

Which salty snack is the most evil?

Josef Pretzel

Sunday, 12 October 2008

Better Said Than Read: Apartheid Edition

Arise Sir Mike Myers

Q: What did Austin Powers say when he was knighted?

A: O.B.E have!

Nomandy, The Final Frontier

Q: Which part of northern France is populated by Star Trek villains who sing "If I Could Turn Back Time"?

A: The Cher-Borg peninsula.

Spandau Ballet Back At Number 2

Q: Why was Rudolf Hess so popular?

A: Because he was top of the Hitler parade.

War Criminals

Q:What do Glue Sniffing banking bastards do when the glue runs out?

Friday, 10 October 2008

Thursday, 9 October 2008


Q: What is the favourite public holiday of MTV presenters?

A: VJ Day.

Utah (Beach) Saints

Q: What was the most musical event of World War II?

A: The DJ Landings.

Endtroducing The Gillette Fusion

Q: Which DJ permanently needs a shave?

A: DJ Five O'clock Shadow.

Les Diamants Sont Une Jeune Fille Du Meilleur Ami

Q: What do French people say when they like precious stones?

A: J'aime.

Tuesday, 7 October 2008

Jean's Driving Ambition

Q: Why can French people get so many many different jobs?

A: Because they have 2 CVs.

He Is Hiliarious!!

Q: Why is Helium so much fun to hang out with?

A: Because it's a gas.

Agatha Christie's Recipe For A Good Murder

Q: Which Belgian detective is made entirely of leeks?

A: Hercule Poireaux.

Drip, drip, drip

Jenny: I got a letter through the door saying there is a burst water main at the end of my road and none of my taps would work. I read the note and instantly started giving birth.

Sheila: Why was that?

Jenny: My waters broke.

Monday, 6 October 2008

Freudian Slippers

Have you heard about the new institute for incestuous sons?

It's going to be called the Oedipus Complex.

Pol Pot Preferred Bicycles

Q: What car do dictators drive when they're commiting genocide?

A: A Purge-o.

Jumping on the bandwagon

Did you hear that John Steinbeck has written a new novel detailing his problems with premature ejaculation?

It's called 'Of My Semen'

The New Traffic Cone Hotline...

Q: Did you hear that John Steinbeck has set up a quango looking into rodent-human relations?

A: It's called Ofmiceandmen.

The Eddietations

In which celebrated comedy does Eddie Murphy play a parent struggling to raise his young child while indulging his passion for solipsistic philosophy?

Daddy Descartes

Sunday, 5 October 2008

Ouch it Burns

Q: What did John Steinbeck call his manual on the act of 'Gerbilling'

A: Of Mice and Men

Curtain Twitcher

Q: Why does John Steinbeck fear his curtains?

A: Cos they're The Drapes of Wrath

Crocodile Dundee Wouldn't Approve

Q: Which Asian city loves shagging marsupials?

A: Koala Humper.

Ooooh Ha Ha!

Keeping It In The Family

Q: Why is jizzing over your uncle's wife so disappointing?

A: Because it's an auntie-climax.

Kuala Lump It

Q: What is the most apathetic country in the world?

A: Malaise-ia.

Crossing The Picket Runway

Q: Why didn't the proposed industrial action by the beautiful models go ahead?

A: Because they were already striking.

Saturday, 4 October 2008

Jim Henson Has Left The Building

Barbequed Jack Sparrow, Rice And Peas

Q: How does Johnny Depp cook his jerk chicken?

A: In his Pyrex of the Caribbean.

Ze Cheeky Crock

Q: What iz ze worst thing about french clobber with - as you say - a little crocodile on it?

A: La Cost.

Blinded By A Stray Chorizo

Q: Where do people in Northern France go to find Spanish cuisine?

A: They pick it off the Bayeux Tapas Tree.

Friday, 3 October 2008

Thursday, 2 October 2008

Crap joke

Q: Why did the woman become highly addicted to wiping her arse?

A: Because she was using Anadrex.

If you'd like to understand this joke, click here and have a look under Synonyms. There is nothing quite as funny as having to explain a pun.

Wednesday, 1 October 2008

Topical New Cold War Stuff

Fact: A russian jet was spotted by MOD radars over Hull this week.

Orville saw the jet and looked up at the defiant display of cold war military strength and said: "I wish I could fly way up to the sky but I cant".

Hull Replied:"You can"

The millionare's playground of the North.

Q: Which Middle Eastern country is just off the junction 25 of the M1?

A: Abu Derby.