Tuesday, 31 July 2007

Gymnast joke with unimaginative title...

What do you call a book/ film about a gymnast who is tempted from his chosen gymnastic apparatus?

Lured off the Rings

He looks like a big baby!

Which footballer has the most inflamed liver?

Hepatitus Bramble

Just plain wrong... Sorry.

Where do jews go to think?

Concentration camps

Monday, 30 July 2007

The Old Man And The Sea

Q: Why does the Sea never 'wave' at married men?

A: Because she's a cruel mistress.

Friday, 27 July 2007

Digeridoo as you're told, you mouthy scum!

Which indigenous peoples are the most delinquent?

Australian ASBOrigines

Thursday, 26 July 2007

Davefest 2007 Is Fast Approaching....

Q: Where do rodents go to die?

A: Shrewsbury.

Anti-Social Be-humour Order

Q: What's a chav groom wear at his wedding?

A: ASBOw tie, innit

Tuesday, 24 July 2007

This Joke Is A 10

Q: Who is the biggest troublemaker in Hollywood?

A: Asbo Derek.

Snakes on a lower social plane

What would a court give to a delinquent snake?


Trouble in Paradise

Q: How do trouble makers get to France?

A: On an ASBOat.

Tuesday, 17 July 2007

It was the best of times, it was the wurst of times

Q. What do you call a middle-of-the-road sausage themed sitcom starring Ben Miller and Sarah Alexander?

A. The Wurst Week of My Life

More Sausagery

Q: What do you call a Sugababes acapella over a Gary Numan bassline, with a load of sausages chucked on top?

A: Bangers and mash-up

Very, very, obscure

Q. What do you call a Scottish-Slovenian-Australian middle aged woman dressed as a schoolboy who loves meat sausages?

A. Wee Jimmy Kransky

This is terrible, but continuing the sausage theme...

A customer in a French restaurant orders some sausages cooked in a delicious red wine jus, but when the dish arrives he complains that it is unsatisfactory.

Customer: Waiter! These sausages are very dry - I thought they were supposed to come with a red wine sauce - you have forgotten it?

Waiter: Oui monsieur, that is how they come - the saucisson!

Monday, 16 July 2007

Oh Dear. The World's Wurst Jokes

A: They say Oktoberfest is going to be a disaster this year, but I reckon we'll be OK, as long as we have sausages

B: What makes you say that?

A: Well, when the wurst comes to the wurst...

A: There I was, inches away from certain death, enemy troops coming at me from all angles. There's this one nasty fellow, bayonet in my face, and I was out of ammo. It didn't look good, but fortunately I had a sausage handy I was going to eat for lunch. So I threw it at him, which confused him enough for me to make my getaway.

B: Wow grandad, how did you think to do that?

A: Well, you know what they say: When you see the whites of their eyes, bockwurst, ask questions later.

Q: What's Germany's naughtiest food?

A: Bratwurst

A: Did you hear about the mad ex-Nazi scientists who worked for Nasa after World War Two? Instead of sending up a human for the Apollo missions, they wanted to just fill up a spacesuit with minced up meat, offal, pigs blood and intestine and send that instead.

B: No...! Really?

A: Yes, they wanted to put the wurst man on the moon.

The Missing Bear

A man walks into a pub, without a bear.

"Hey Bob," says the barman, "Didn't you have a bear with you last week? Massive creature, looked scary. What happened to him?"

"Well," Bob replies, "I staggered out the pub with him, was walking home, and from out an alley jumped a circus ringmaster. 'How much for the bear?!" he asked me. 'The bear's not for sale!" I told him, but he wasn't having any of it, and pulled out a knife. 'OK, OK, you can have the bear,' I said. 'I'm glad you saw sense,' he said, and made me sign a contract for the bear to perform with the circus for the next ten years."

"That's terrible," said the barman. "A contract indeed! What's that poor bear going to do now?"

"It's OK. If the worst comes to the worst he can always use his get-out claws."

Cowell In Fear

Saturday, 14 July 2007

The football season is almost upon us...

Q. Who is the horniest, but least sexually experienced, football club chairman?

A. Randy Lerner

Playing catch-up on the post front

Q. Which English county is the biggest draw for Australian stag parties?

A. Bucks

To build, or not to build?

Q. Who is the most literary of all Victorian engineers?

A. Isam-Bard Kingdom Brunel

School of thought

Q. Where do fish eggs go to study?

A. Roehampton University

Smells a bit fishy

Q. Where do liberal fish find their perfect partner?

A. Guardian Shoalmates

Friday, 13 July 2007

Ferrero Rocher A-Go-Go

Q: Why can't ambassadors get syphilis?

A: Because they have diplomatic immunity.

Q: Why can't ambassadors get into Baile Funk?

A: Because they have diplo-matic immunity.

The award for chronic fatigue goes to...

At which award ceremony is everybody really tired?

The M.E. awards.

Addressing the shortage of jokes about Addis Ababa...

Which Ethiopian city is really good at maths?

Addis Abacus

In which Ethiopian city do the people wear a lot of chavvy sportswear?

Adidas Ababa

Thursday, 12 July 2007

Kremlin Gremlin

Q: Why does George Smiley love Russia?

A: Because Moscow rules!

Wednesday, 11 July 2007

All Along The Watchtower

Q: Why does God always have an alibi?

A: Cos he's got loads of Jehovah Witnesses.

Tuesday, 10 July 2007

ill at (tr)ees (sorry)

What's a hypochondriac's favourite tree?

Sicker more.

Smack my bitch up!

Why was the pitch control knob thrown out of the posh restaurant?

Because it lowered the tone.

Roasting Chestnuts on an Open Fire

Q: How does a Christmas Tree get out of a burning building?

A: Via the Fir Escape.

Typographical Errors

Monday, 9 July 2007

Nam, Man

Q: How did the Viet Cong distract the American GIs?

A: They launched the Tit Offensive.

Sunday, 8 July 2007

Suffragette City

Q: Where do REALLY militant feminists go to jail?

A: HMP Pankhurst.

Ooh, in-jokes now!

Which homemade jokes contributor goes to kinky fancy-dress parties?


Human After All

Saturday, 7 July 2007


Q: What do you call someone with a penis in the middle of their face?

A: Fuck knows.

Credit to my mate Matt Hull on that one.

Goldeneyes Closed

Q: What do James Bond's favourite drink and a narcoleptic have in common?

A: They are both shaken, not stirred.

Friday, 6 July 2007


Q: Why do double glazers hate their job fitting windows?
A: Because it's a pane.

Thursday, 5 July 2007

Ask Jeeves

Q: What's Hugh Laurie's favourite type of music?

A: House

Wednesday, 4 July 2007

Jokey Rappinghood

Q: What do half of Talking Heads have in common with London minicab drivers?

A: They're all members of Tom Tom Club.

An Unlikely Scenario

Q: What's the difference between giving your mate an inflatable sex doll on his stag do, and "accidentally" giving the same novelty sex toy to his kid brother?

A: One's kidding the groom, one's grooming the kid

shopping and stuff

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Tuesday, 3 July 2007

Cross Breed

Q: What do you get if you mix the gene pool of ex-england footballer Paul Ince, with the gene pool of a spider?

A: An incey wincey spider

Rain rain go away

Q:Why did the Mayor of Sheffield applaud the flood?
A: Because it was flash

Ooooh, topical!

Q: How do terrorists find their way to places like Glasgow Airport and the Tiger Tiger nightclub?

A: With their Bomb Bomb SatNav.

Monday, 2 July 2007

Strawberries & Cream & BOOZE

Q: Which Wimbledon winner was a bit of a drinker?

A: Fred Sherry.

Dude #1

So there's this dude I knew, and one day this dude, he was hanging out with Boo Radley, you know, like from To Kill A Mocking Bird, and Boo Radley'd made this delicious dessert from whipped egg whites and sugar, and he gave it to this dude, but the dude took a bite and didn't like it much so he just threw it into the air, but it came right back and hit him in the face, and I said, duh, that's what happens when you throw a Boo meringue, and ah forget it.

The Game of Life

Q: Why is it good to play on your Xbox 360 after you've been dumped by your girlfriend?

A: Because games console

I think I might be reopening a can of worms by making this joke...

Q: What does a tennis players wear on their head?

A: A Roger Fedora.