Wednesday, 27 June 2007

Here comes the Bride...

Q: Why are the flowers at a wedding so cold?

A: Because the bride froze the bouquet.

Wrestling Joke #3 (of 83)

Q: Why did Hulk Hogan take a gun into the wrestling ring?

A: Because he wanted a shot at the title

Military Honours

Q: Why wasn't the B52 a great success?

A: Because it totally bombed
Q: Why wasn't the Panzer very popular?
A: Because it tanked

Q: Why wasn't the submarine very good?
A: It was sub-standard

Q: Why was the RPG launcher great fun?
A: Because it was a blast

Q: Why was the battleship neat and tidy?
A: It was ship-shape

Q: Why was the missile always right?
A: It was bang on

Q: Why was the heli - ah fuck it, this is getting silly

Tuesday, 26 June 2007

Wrestling Joke #2 (of 83)

Q: Which wrestler is always stone cold?

A: The Rock

Hollywood Heroes #1

Q: What Hollywood action hero hangs around trawlers, eats raw fish, and craps on people's heads?

A: Steven Seagull

Monday, 25 June 2007

I'm Loving It

Q: What is the best McDonald's selling breakfast meal in the Caribbean?

A: The McRagamuffin Meal.

The mark of a great joke

Q: Whats the crappest punctuation mark?

A The Colon.

Sunday, 24 June 2007

Classically Crude

Q: Why did Georges write so much music?

A: Because he was a Bizet cunt.

Thursday, 21 June 2007

Hot Stuff

Q: What did the callous fireman say to the person who's house burnt down?

A: Gutted!

Wednesday, 20 June 2007

Ah, a classic pub joke

A penguin walks into a pub, walks up to the bar, and asks the landlord for a pint of beer.

The landlord looks at the penguin incredulously, and says:

"Sure, I'll get you a pint of lager. Just one thing though, and correct me if I'm wrong, but you're a penguin right?"

"Sure," says the penguin.

"So you haven't got any money then, or indeed any pockets to even hold any money."


"Well, how are you going to pay for this pint then?"

The penguin thinks for a bit, and says:

"Well, how about if I do a little dance for you? Everyone likes dancing penguins right? That's got to be worth a pint?"

"Hmmm..." replies the landlord. "OK then. Let's see it."

So the penguin limbers up, and dancing to the amazing beat in his head, performs a tight routine of body popping and breakdancing, with the final movement being an impeccable moonwalk on his little flippers.

"Well," says the landlord, "I'm impressed. Let me get that beer for you."

"Actually," says the penguin, "I'm only messing with you. I don't really drink beer - I'M A FUCKING PENGUIN!"

Yum yum

Q: Why is Morrocan cuisine so popular?

A: Because its Moorish.

Not On The Yelllow Submarine

Q: Why does Paul McCartney always get the ferry to the Isle of Wight?

A: Because he's got a ticket to Ryde.

Tuesday, 19 June 2007

Missed Connections Messages

Trying something new. Wonder what's the stupidest, most surreal, or scariest one of these you could get in the paper?

To the English rose I sat opposite yesterday on the 8:45, want me to prune and water you?

To the lady in the burka on the Victoria line at Stockwell - you have beautiful eyes. Drink?

To the Brazilian I saw this morning - how about wearing some knickers next time?

More in comments...

Save your money.

Q: How to Chelsea FC pay their player's wages?

A: By Chec.

Monday, 18 June 2007

Monty Pythons snohtyP ytnoM

Q: Why does a travel programme starring a British comedian sound the same backwards?

A: Because it's a Palindrone.

Wrestling Joke #1 (of 83)

Q: What did Neil Armstrong say when he saw Mick Foley thrown 16 feet from the top of the steel cage by The Undertaker in the Hell in a Cell match at King of the Ring 1997?

A: That's one small step for man, one giant leap for Mankind.

Seaman Staines and Master Bates

Q: What to call a Navy Admiral who likes Oral Sex?

A: Felatio Nelson.

Wednesday, 13 June 2007

A Really Cheesy Joke

Q: What do you call the cheese thats fallen off a lorry and is covering the road?

A: De-brie.

Tuesday, 12 June 2007

Benedictus, benedictus

How do monks overpower intruders into the monastery?

Force of habit

The Crumbliest, Flakiest Joke in the World

Q: Why can't you trust dematologists?

A: Because they make rash decisions.

Monday, 11 June 2007

Primate Pun

Q: Why did the Zoo Keeper always feel that he had to prove himself?

A: Because he had a chimp on his shoulder.

Friday, 8 June 2007

Nouvelle Vague

Q: What do French people eat at the cinema?

A: François Truffle.

Thursday, 7 June 2007

120 Days of Sod All

Why are people without an anus so lazy?

Because they can't be arsed

Works Better When Read than Said #2

Q: How does the Pope make phone calls?

A: On the Popemobile.

Wednesday, 6 June 2007

Works Better When Read than Said

Q: Whats the most surly form of transport?

A: Moped.

Tuesday, 5 June 2007

Wanted: Bread or Alive

Q: How do you sexually satisfy a girl who works at Gregs the Bakers?

A: Just use your loaf

Q: But what does she really want in bed?

A: A nice sandwich

Ah, I'm on a roll, get it? ON A ROLL.

Monday, 4 June 2007

Garden of Delights

A: I've got a massive collection of garden tools.

B: Really? How many?

A: A shedload!

It's wrong but it feels so good

OK, so this is a filthy one. I've censored it, but I think we all know what it says:

Q: How do you get a girl to **** it up *** ****?

A: Just butter her up

Sink or Swim

Q: Why are French swimming pools so dirty?

A: Because of all the piscine.

Kudos to my mate Neil White on that one.

Knockin' On Heaven's Door

Sunday, 3 June 2007

Kill me now

Arnie is working in a supermarket

Customer: Excuse me young man, where can I find the peanut butter?

Arnie: I am not sure. I think it's in aisle C, at the front.

[Customer walks away. Arnie realises he's made a mistake.]

Arnie [shouting]: No wait... AISLE B. BACK

Saturday, 2 June 2007

Sub-Sahara Darlink

Q: What do you call a small African state that REALLY likes diamonds and furs?

A: Zsa Zsa Gabon.

A Lidl joke for you...

Q: How do you stop a dodgy Burberry-clad kid from stealing a loaf of bread?

A: Seperate the wheat from the chav

Logistical Nightmare

Q: How do you get a fat bird into bed?

A: With a crane.

Via Dan "The Jewish Hamster" Alterman. Strong work chap!

Rain Stops Play

Q: Which tennis player had the best facial hair?

A: Arthur Tashe.

Bill Gates: Hip Hop Mogul

Q: Which Microsoft Application is savvy in street lingo?

A: Word!

Friday, 1 June 2007

This for the match...

Which tennis player is a popular staple of vegetarian dishes?

Ivan Lentil

Work with me on this one

Q: What do you call a tennis player, who when spotted by a cockney geezer in a crowd of witches, causes surprise by actually being a witch himself?

A: Cor, and even e's a witch!

Goran Ivanišević

And another!

Which tennis player likes to swing doors around a fixed point?

Martina Hinges

Set, Mr. Horse!

Which tennis player is a stroppy layabout who is ill-prepared for the real world?

Martina Naive, ratty loafer

These titles are getting personal. Game, Mr. Horse!

What tennis player cooks on rustic solid-fuel burning ovens?

Andre Aga-ssi

Looks like Cosmic Horse is playing Swingball by himself

Q: Which Tennis player goes around daubing their tag on walls?

A: Steffi Graffiti.

Too obvious. I'm sorry.


Which tennis player could have been a refreshing sweet in another life?

Latent Chewit


Which tennis player tears around on high-powered watergoing vehicles?

Greg Ru-jetski

The rally continues...

How do tennis players post parcels?

Via Roger Federal Express

And Henman into the net! Oh, bugger.

What is a tennis player's favourite robotic race?

The Bjorn Borg

And backhand to you...

Q: What is a tennis player's favourite pasta?

A: John Macaroni.

Return of serve

Q. What is a tennis player's favourite refreshing sweet?

A. Andy Murray Mints

Serving drinks

Q: What is a tennis player's favorite drink?

A: Bjorn Kronenbourg.