Tuesday, 30 September 2008

Two geeky televisual jokes for the price of one.

The 'Necks' Factor, ho ho.

Why is it not a good idea to take Simon Cowell to the circus?

Because he always goes for the juggler

Monday, 29 September 2008

I Just Can't Get Enough (Animals)

Q: Did you hear that Vince Clarke just graduated with honours from university?

A: Apparently, he got a first in Yazoology.

Sunday, 28 September 2008

Better Said Than Read: The Return

The Fry Up Of Doom!!!

Q: What do Irish horror writers use to flip omelettes?

A: Bram Stoker's Spatula.

Wedgie Pedgie

Q: Why couldn't the bloke be bothered to chase after the thief who stole his new board game?

A: Because it was a trivial pursuit.

Indiana Jones And The Tipple Of Doom!

Q: Why was Jack Daniels so daring?

A: Because he was into Whisky business.

Now You See It, Now You Don't! (Your Wallet That Is)

Q: Which escapologist has an ASBO and terrorises his neighbourhood?

A: Harry Hoodie-ini.

Saturday, 27 September 2008

Why Are French Cows Nazi's?

Pierre, merveilleuse blague!

You Stupid Boy

Q: Which Dad's Army actor went into toilet sales after the series ended?

A: Ian Lav-Vendor.

Friday, 26 September 2008

Karen Carpenter Will Be Turning In Her Grave

Q: Why do birds suddenly appear everytime you are near?

A: Because you are covered in bird food, you twat.

Thursday, 25 September 2008

Bedouin Soccer

Q: Who is the most nomadic Premiership football club owner?

A: Roamin' Abramovich.

Pictorial Variant On A Recent Theme

He's no dancing queen!

Holiday joke

"My wife is going on holiday to the Caribbean."


"No, Cuba."

More Frenchness

Which England international went to a French school?

Ash l'ecole

Wednesday, 24 September 2008

A load more boules

Q. Which middle of the road crooners like playing Pétanque?

A. Michael Bouleblé and Michael Bouleton

The Wank Of England

Q: Why did the millionaire always make more wonga everytime he masturbated with banknotes?

A: Because he came into money.

Tuesday, 23 September 2008

Mamma Mia City!

Q: Which oil rich Emirate's kingdom REALLY wants a man after midnight?

A: Abba Dhabi.


Q: Which footballers play Pétanque?

A: Emmanuel Eboule, Jimmy Bouleard and Steve Boule (retired)

Sunday, 21 September 2008

Cherbourg, Utah

Q: Which part of France has the weirdest religious cult?

A: Mormondie

Saturday, 20 September 2008

Buff Boeuf

Q: Why are cows so popular in France?

A: Because they are Vache-ion-a-Bull.

Friday, 19 September 2008

Jokes That Would Be Better Sung #1

Q) What's Mick Jagger's diet advice?

A) You can't always eat what you want

Model Behaviour #3

Q) Why don't Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Charlie Watts or Ronnie Wood hang around with Kate Moss?

A) Because Kate Moss gathers no Stones.

Model Behaviour #2

Did you know that Heather Mills is a top model? That's right - she can only model tops.

Model Behaviour #1

Q) Which supermodel is known for throwing tantrums, and making a great percussion sound?

A) Naomi Cowbell

Oooh! Physics Ahoy!

Q: What is the favourite cocktail of CERN's thriving gay physicist community?

A: Penis Collider.

Thursday, 18 September 2008

The Credit Cruch Hits The Jungle

Q: Why are Marmoset economics inherently funny?

A: Because it's monkey business, innit!

Wednesday, 17 September 2008

Inspiration struck as I was heading to the Homemade Jokes summit...

Why was the Berkshire rail service thrown out of the advanced literacy class?

Because it was Reading to Slough

Watch Out! Beadle's About! (The Office)

Q: Why was Jeremy Beadle such a good receptionist?

A: Because he had an excellent short hand.

A+ For Effort, D- For Achievement

Q: Why did the university lecturer think the students' paper was crap?

A: Because he'd handed in his faeces, innit.

He's Having a Mare! (Horsey Joke)

Q: Why are horses so intolerant of their young?

A: Because they don't suffer foals gladly.

Tuesday, 16 September 2008

Où Est La Boulangerie??

Q: Which tasty sponge based french snack is impossible to find in Portugal?

A: Madeleines McCann.

Bonjour! Je suis la login generique pour la Summit du Jokes a Davefest 2008, dans la Normandy! C'est bonn!

Wednesday, 10 September 2008


Why was the baker so pleased when somebody threw an ancient eastern philosophical text onto his latest masterpiece?

Because it was the I-Ching on the cake


Why was the baker so pleased when somebody threw an ancient book of Eastern philosophy onto his latest masterpiece?

Because it was the i-ching on the cake


What do particle physicists use to drain boiled vegetables?

The Large Hadron Colander

Monday, 8 September 2008

Olive Branch, Covered In Bird Shit

Q: What's the difference between a Dove and a Pigeon?

A: World Peace.