Saturday, 29 November 2008

Izzy Wizzy

Q:What fast food takeway is simply magic?

The small ones are more juicy naturally.

Q: What is the most presumptive of fruits?

A: Satassumea

Friday, 28 November 2008

It's sort of another Tarantino joke...

Which posh rentboy does James Bond go to see when he's feeling abit down?

The Quentin of Solace

Thursday, 27 November 2008

Communist Coypu

Q: Which Chinese leader has the most rodenty mouth?

A: Mousey Tongue.

Eire Eczema

Q: What do you call an Irish doctor of skin conditions?

A: Dermot O'Logist.

You Remind Me... Of Tutti Fruiti

Q: Which ice cream do rock stars eat?

A: Nicklebackerglory.


Q: Why are ravers not bothered by the recession at the moment?

A: Because it's the winter of disco tent.

Wednesday, 26 November 2008

Where the Streeps Have no Name

I went to see the latest Streep film last night. It was great! Steve Buscemi played this mad inventor who also happened to be a huge Streep-o-phile and decided he was going to create a perfect Streep clone so he could live out all his deepest fantasies. Unfortunately, some of his science was a bit wonky, so he ended up creating all sorts of Streep-based chimaera. Eventually, these monstrosities were taking over his house and he found he didn't have room to conduct his experiments anymore, so he just stacked them all up in his cellar- even though they retained some dim form of consciousness- 'til there was just a huge mountain of bodies in there. Anyway, once again free to work, he evntually succeeded in creating his perfect clone. Unfortunately for him, it contained all the spunk and feistiness of the original, and was appalled when she found out about her sisters piled in the basement. So, the perfect clone mobilised the Streep-heap, burned down Buscemi's house with him inside, and went off to found their own Streep-topia somewhere in the Indian Ocean. Anyway, it was fantastic; I really enjoyed it. Only trouble was, I wasn't allowed to take my four-year-old son- who's a Streep fanatic- to see it. I kicked up a fuss, but the people at the cinema insisted it wasn't allowed. Apparently it's because the film contains scenes of piled Meryl.

Tuesday, 25 November 2008

OK, I give up, I'll make a Quentin Tarantino joke

Q: Which film director is giving up?

A: Quitting Tarantino.

Tara n Tina

Q. Which Tarantino film is a hard hitting crime drama about a group of ugly girls who hang out at a hydroelectric substation?

A. Reservoir Dogs

Monday, 24 November 2008

Quack quack, motherfuckers

Which classic Tarantino film depicts the struggles of a grieving family and a pair of gangsters against a horde of vampiric waterfowl?

From Ducks 'til Down

Ooo Arr!

Which classic Tarantino film is set in a vicar's house in Cornwall?

Truro Manse

There's legs in this one yet!

Which film director is most in need of glasses?

Squintin' Tarantino

Sunday, 23 November 2008

Bum Note

Q: What's the worst musical note ever?

A: Pat Sharp.

The Black Run On Mount Hermon

Q: What is a Jewish person's favourite winter sport?

A: Shalom Skiing.

Gentle Gentile

Q: How do you congratulate a posh Jewish man?

A: Mazal Toff!

Friday, 21 November 2008

Quen-tin-opener Taran-tin-opener

Q) When Quentin Tarantino has too little fibre in his diet, what's the result?

A) Poop friction

From Dusk Til Dawn

Q) Which subatomic particle is the laboured punchline to this joke, ostensibly referring to a certain cult film director?

A) Quantum Ta-neutrino

Thursday, 20 November 2008

Quentin Tarantino Week on Homemade Jokes

Q: Which film director wants to be a millionaire?

A: Chris Tarrantino.

Courtesy of Pete Searles.

Food or sleep? Food or sleep? Food or sleep?

Q: Which cake ingredient makes you really sleepy?

A: Temarzipan.

A little perk me up

Q: Which drink makes fun of you when you have it?

A: Mocha.

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Killed Bill: Now Doing The Time

Q: Which film director is least likely to be buggered in a prison shower?

A: San Quentin Taratin-oh, no you fucking don't.

Well if you're all going to provoke me into being silly, this is what you get.

Poop Fiction Volume 2

Q. Which film director is the most negative?

A. Quentin Tarantino

Poop Fiction

Q) Which cult film director is really nifty when it comes to opening tin cans?

A) Quentin Tarantinopener

More Spooner Fun!

Which bequiffed, dyslexic film director loves to go exploring, but often ends up shut away in foreign hospitals for fear that he may spread infectious diseases?

Tintin Quarantino

Monday, 17 November 2008

Oh Big Brother

I was walking down the street the other day and i saw Jade Goody with a pigeon stuffed on her head. So I go "Jade, what you doin' Jade? You got a pigeon on yer head?!" and she said "Haven't you seen Heat magazine? I'm up the dove again!".

Papal Porridge

Q: What is the Pope's preferred breakfast drink?

A: Consecrated Orange Juice.

A Grave Affair

Q: What is a necrophiliac's favourite fruit?

A: Desicrated coconut.

Sunday, 16 November 2008

21 Seconds To Shoplift

Q: Why are the So Solid Crew banned from upmarket department stores?

A: Because Harvey nicks.

Saturday, 15 November 2008

Cooking on Red Gas

Friday, 14 November 2008


Q: Which department store sells refrigerators?

A: Selfridges.

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

I Miss Saigon

Q: Where's the best place to get pussy in south east Asia?

A: Hoochie Minge City.

'Nam Bam Thank You Ma'am

Q: What is the most irritating city in south east Asia?

A: Hannoy.

Look on my f***** works, ye mighty, and f***** despair!

Which Ancient Egyptian ruler presented 'The Underworld's Kitchen'?

Gordon Rameses II

More Egyptian stuff

Which ancient Egyptian ruler founded the seminal Ska label that went on to sign The Specials?


Ready, Dead Set, Go!

Q. What do you call buzzing insects that fly really fast into into filament lamp heating appliances causing an electrical surge, yet come back from the dead?

A. Zoom-bee flash heaters

It's not Jimmy Nile...

Q) What ageing English pop star is actually so old that he was originally famous in ancient Egypt?

A) Hieroglyph Richard

Monday, 10 November 2008

Mooving on

Q. Why was the cow poor?

A. The farmer milked her for everything she had.


Q. Why was the farmer poor?

A. He only had a poultry sum.

Making Posh Spice Look Good

Q: Which Footballer's Wives' character has the biggest vagina?

A: The Marquee de Chardonnay.

Camp As A Row Of Tents

Q: Which tent wrote 'Thirty Days of Sodom'?

A: The Marquee De Sade.

Tesco Value Joke

So I was in the supermarket the other day, looking at the ready meals, when I noticed that instead of price stickers, all of them just had a letter-number sticker on them, which either read just "D1" or "D2". That's odd, I thought, so I grabbed a passing shelf stacker, and asked him:

"Mr O'Brian," - because I'm polite you see, and I read his name off his badge - "I wonder if you might explain what these stickers mean?"

"Well," he replied, "Everything marked with a D1 is on very special offer. Basically it's all the stuff that's nearing its sell-by date, so really, we're either going to flog it on really cheap or just chuck it away. And call me Kenneth."

"Oh, OK," I said. "So how much would it be then?"

"Well, like I said, we'd only be throwing it away anyway, so it's just three pence."

"Wow! That's great. But what about the rest of the stuff?"

"That's the thing, you see, because if it's marked D2, then it's just normal price."

"Right, I see."

So, always one for a bargain, I grabbed two packs of microwave ravioli, two of lamb korma, and two of prawn noodles.

It's all good I think, as the woman on the check-out beep beep beeps it all through, but then...

"That'll be £4.10," she says.

Wait, that's not right, I think.

"Look," I said, pointing at the labels, before realising my mistake:

"See? 3p! Oh... Are two D2? Oh, be 1! Ken O'B, you're my only hope!"

Sunday, 9 November 2008

Rev. Spooner Would Be Proud

Q: Where do clever people go shopping?

A: Sparks and Mensa.

Saturday, 8 November 2008

I Love Cheryl Cole

Q: Why was Sharon Osbourne leaving the X Factor so dramatic?

A: Because Simon cowelled in the corner as Louis walshed his hands of her.

The Bells Were My First Clue

Q: Why did Quasimodo make such a good spinal detective?

A: Because he always had a hunchback.

Thursday, 6 November 2008

What A Handsome Cock!

Q: What do you call a beautiful chicken?

A: Poultrytudinous.

Nice vocabulary Intergalactic Stallion!

What's New Pussycatfish?

Q: Why does Tom Jones smell of fish?

A: Because he always wears a cod piece.

Wednesday, 5 November 2008

Well topical!

Michael Crichton has died but don't worry, scientists have isolated some of his DNA from a mosquito trapped in amber and are going to re-create his missing bits using frog DNA.

Markus Wolfed Down The Pills

Q: What was the favourite illicit drug of East German secret policemen?


The Bells!

What does Quasimodo carry his sandwiches in?

The Lunchpack of Notre Dame

Monday, 3 November 2008!!!!!

Q: How does the lumberjack get on the Internet?

A: He logs on.

Another Joke Atrocity

Q: Which abstract painting depicts loads of people coming up on ecstasy?

A: Gurnica.

A Mite Overzealous

Q: Why do blood-sucking arachnid parasitic stalkers always agree with everything you say?

A: Because they are sicko fan ticks.

Saturday, 1 November 2008

Scouse Lace

Q. Which Liverpool footballer likes to push pineapple, shake the tree?