Wednesday, 30 May 2007

Terrible Sitcom Scenes #5

A: A blind man came round our house the other day. When we opened the door he was holding a hammer drill and a tool box. So we let him in and he spent the afternoon drilling holes in our walls.

B: What?! Wasn't that dangerous? What was he doing for god's sake?

A: Putting up blinds, of course.

Facebook Vermin

Q: What social networking website do rats use?

Tuesday, 29 May 2007

Poetic Justice

Q: Why did the dyslexic lawyer end up treating people for kidney failure?

A: Because he accidently spent years studying the renal system

Picking at the bones

Q: How do skeletons get from A to B?

A: In a skele-copter.

Terrible Sitcom Scenes #4

A: What's your army training been like then?

B: Well, the other day, we had to get up at five am, jog twenty miles with full packs, and run the assault course in under two minutes. Back at base we were flagging.

A: You were tired then?

B: No, we were pulling the flag up and down, repeatedly.

A: That sounds pointless.

B: Not really - there's a massive spike on top of the pole.

Funereal humour

Q: Why are hearses unpopular on the M25?

A: Because undertaking on the motorway is dangerous and pisses off other drivers

Myspace Safari

Q: What social networking website do african antelopes use?


Monday, 28 May 2007

She used to present Points of View, you know.

What do you call a quiz show, presented by Anne Robinson, that features people urinating on sausages?

The wee-kissed link

The Joke That Came In From The Cold

A Fantastic Vintage

Q: Why are fortified wine tasters like sailors?

A: Because they go from port to port. The filthy buggers.

Sunday, 27 May 2007

Scream If You Want To Go Faster

Q: Why are gypsies with dodgem cars so ethical?

A: Because they're well into fair trade.

Friday, 25 May 2007

Another classic!

A: I say, I say, I say, my dog has got no nose.

B: Really? How does he smell?

A: He doesn't, he's got no nose you fucking twat.

Unfinished Sympathy... er, for dogs...

What band advocates random violence against vicious dogs?

Mastiff Attack

A classic!

What do you call a prize given to felines for their exquisite rear ends?

A cat ass trophy

Ich bin ein porn star

What do you call a fascist dictator who makes porn films?

Adult Hitler


What do you call a heavy metal band that practices calligraphy?


Satan's bathroom

What do demons use when they take a dip?


Thursday, 24 May 2007

Police, camera, action

Q: What does a traffic cop wear under his jacket?

A: A pull-over

Terrible Sitcom Scenes #3

A: I had to dispose of my wife's body the other day, after I'd decapitated her in a horrible hunting "accident"... I put her body in the boot of my Fiat Punto and rolled it off a cliff.

B: That... Must have been difficult for you...

A: Nah, it was a pushover

B: Weren't you worried you'd be caught?

A: No, I knew it'd be a runaway success

Terrible Sitcom Scenes #2

A: I was an underwater plumber a few years back

B: Really, that must have been an interesting job

A: Sure, once I had to plumb in all the mains and sewage for an amazing underwater hotel at the bottom of the ocean

B: Bet those were the best days of your life!

A: Not really... It was really plumbing the depths...

Drink in my brilliant joke.

Q: Where is the poshest place to drink lager?

A: Biarritz.

Just the 5 European cups then?

Q. What do scousers take their shopping home in?

A. Carragher bags.

Wednesday, 23 May 2007

Yeast Of Eden

Q: What was John Steinbeck's favourite fruit?

A: Grapes of Wrath.

Tuesday, 22 May 2007

Spoiling Your Childhood Memories

Q: Which train masturbates the most?

A: Thomas the Wank Engine.

Having a write laugh...

Q: Why was the author Hector Hugh Munro so insincere?

A: Because he was really Saki.

Heavens above!

Q: How does the Pope pay for stuff he buys on the internet?

A: Via Papal.

Terrible Sitcom Scenes #1

A: I knew I'd made it in life when I saw I was in the Sunday Times

B: Really? Did you write a feature for the magazine section?

A: No

B: Did you release a top selling CD that was reviewed in the culture section?

A: No

B: What then?

A: No, I'm a train driver and I work on Sundays

Monday, 21 May 2007

Its Da Bomb!

Q: Why did the Army drop a load of shag pile on their enemy?

A: They were Carpet Bombing.

Works Better When Said, But Not By Much #5

Vatican, Vatican't

Q: What is the most sacred letter of the Catholic alphabet?

A: The holy C.

Sunday, 20 May 2007

The Cult Of Celebrity

Saturday, 19 May 2007

Prenatal Print

Q: How do foetuses write their correspondence in the womb?

A: With embiros.

Friday, 18 May 2007

Music to My Ears

Q: How does someone who sympathises with your problems listen to music?

A: On their empathy player.

( it aloud...)

Lost in the post

Q: Why did the postman think it was too risky to deliver letters to all the houses on one side of the street?

A: Because he didn't like the odds.

Physics joke

Why did the pastie explode?

It came into contact with some antipasti

Genuinely appalling joke

What do you call an English king who was didvided in half, then again and then again?

Henry the eighth.

Dumdumdadumdum Dumdumdumdum

What do you call a female 80s synth-pop band who fiercely protect their virginity?

The Hymem League

Food for thought

Q: Why did the mafia boss give up smuggling antipasti?

A: Because he was sick of illegal capers.

A bloody masterpiece

Q: Why did Vincent van Gogh paint himself with one ear?

A: Because he'd lost his brush

This joke was sponsored by JD Wetherspoon

Q: What's the best beer in the galaxy?

A: InterStella Artois

Generally Relative, In Theory

Q: Did you hear about the Astrophysicist's leaving do?

A: He went out with a Big Bang.

Thursday, 17 May 2007


What do you call a transformer that turns into a tune of haemarrhoid ointment?


Works Better When Said, But Not By Much #4

The South Wank Show

Q: Which cultural commentor is always banging on about his sexual conquests?

A: Melvyn Bragg.

Mathematics In Disguise

Q: What do you call a Transformer that is only divisible by itself?

A: Optimus Prime Number.

Viva la revolucion!

What do you call a Communist leader who sells engine oil?

Fidel Castrol

What do you call a Communist leader who's been declared a heretic by a major religion?

Infidel Castro

Heil Mussolini

Who is the most right-wing jockey in horse racing?

Frankie Da Tory

Wednesday, 16 May 2007

He's a big fat drug addict

What do you call an Argentine footballer who offers parts of himself for life-saving medical procedures?

Diego Marrow-doner

This one's for Biggie

What do you call a doctor of dodgy hip-hop?

A P-Diddyatrician

What do you call a pointless job...

What do you call a doctor of jumpers?

A cardyologist

When I get that feeling...

What was Marvin Gaye's favourite part of London?

Sexual Ealing


What do you call a female sheep (with a man's name) who likes to follow the latest styles and used to play for Wimbledon?

John Fashion-ewe

She had the voice of a canary

What do you call a Swedish starlet of stage and screen who breeds and conducts recearch on tropical birds while imprisoned?

Ingrid Bergman of Alcatraz


What do you call a big-arsed Hassidic jew who flies around in a helicopter?

Hannukah Rice

Tuesday, 15 May 2007

Would Jew Believe It?

Q: What do you call someone who celebrates Hanukkah, only eats Kosher meat and has a low pH value?

A: An Acidic Jew

Sunday, 13 May 2007

He Had A Clint In His Eye

Thursday, 10 May 2007

Canadian Nightlife

Q: Why are seals so square?

A: Because they don't like clubbing.

What The NHS Can Do For You

P: Doctor doctor, my balls are on fire!

D: Are they great?

P: Yes.

D: You've got Jerry Lee Lewis Syndrome.

P: Is there a cure?

D: Marry your 13 year old cousin. It should clear up.

Tuesday, 8 May 2007

Brussels Sprouts More Rubbish

Q: Where in Belgium will you find idiots who struggle with grammar?

A: An Twerp.

Monday, 7 May 2007

Dog Smoking

Q: What are Mariella Frostrup's favourite dogs?

A: Huskies.

Wednesday, 2 May 2007

Fred Perry Is Turning In His Grave

Q: Why is tennis so corrupt?

A: Because it's full of back-handers.

Eton Expresso Etiquette

Q: What do you call a member of the upper classes who knows how to make a really great cup of coffee?

A: A Baristocrat.

Tuesday, 1 May 2007

Overcast At Stamford Bridge

Q: What does Didier Drogba do when it's raining outside?

A:He puts on his Côte d'Ivoire.