Thursday, 29 November 2007

Actually, they're called 'Inuit'

How do Eskimoes curl their hair?

They use permer-frost

Ooh, Biblical commerce joke!

What cataclysm forced the Ancient Egyptian Sainsbury's and Marks & Spencer chains into receivership?

A plague of lo-costs

Wednesday, 28 November 2007

Sport of Kings! (sniff)

Why is Fetch The Chimney such an unpopular game?

Because nobody wants to catch the flue

Oooh, look at that big sausage!

Q: Why is Smithfield in the City of London a good place to pull girls?

A: Because its a meat market.

Saturday, 24 November 2007

Works better when said, but not by much #7

What did the Policeman say to his chest? You're under a vest.

PC Plod and Inspector Jones are at the scene of a car-jacking, trying to glean as much information about the crime as they can.

"What do you think went on here, Guv?" says PC Plod.

"Well, there are three things we know about this crime," replied Inspector Jones.

"What are they?" enquired the enthusiastic Policeman.

"First of all, the car was a red Ford Fiesta. Secondly, the assailant was 5'9", wearing a blue coat and black jeans. And finally, he had a problem with his bowels."

"Fascinating, how do you know all of that?" asked PC Plod.

"Well," replied Inspector Jones "the victim has told us that her car was a red Ford Fiesta, so thats how we know what he is driving. Second of all, we have CCTV footage of the suspect, so thats how we know what he looks like. And finally, we know he had a problem with his bowels because he left these large skidmarks."

Wednesday, 21 November 2007

Tuesday, 20 November 2007

Cirque du Fromage

I went to see the one-legged, circus performing cheese seller the other day, to buy some cheese. Was it worth it? Hardly - he only had one stilt on.

Monday, 19 November 2007

Delhi Belly (Full Of Protein!)

Q: How does a Hindu like his eggs?

A: In an Om-lette.

Doing Bird

Q: How does a thief get his eggs?

A: Poached.

Such An Enigma

Q: How does a cryptographer like their eggs?

A: Scrambled.

The Eggsplosive Middle Eastern Question

Q: How does Abu Bakr like his eggs?

A: Sunni Side Up.

Chicken Vs Egg: Face Off

Q: How does John Woo like his eggs?

A: Hard Boiled.

Who 'nose' how bad these jokes (and Photoshopping) can get?

Road rage

I was stuck in traffic on the M25 the other day, crawling at 10 mph towards a long line of cones, where the motorway narrowed from three lanes to one.

I passed a sign that said: "Road works ahead".

"Oh no it doesn't!" I shouted to no one in particular.

Saturday, 17 November 2007

Warning: comics joke

Why did Alan Moore go around stubbing out people's spliffs?

Because he was on a reefer vendetta

Crouching Teapot Hidden Joke

Lucifer Lockets

Q: Why do people sell their souls to Satan for cold remedies?

A: Because the Devil has all the best tunes.

A sad but true story

Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman were trying for a baby but were having no luck because little Tommy was impotent. They decided to visit a nearby maternity ward in the hope of pinching a ladys baby whilst she was distracted by her lovely flowers or her stitches or something. Unfortunately all the greedy mothers were paying quite a lot of attention to their new babys and Tom and Nicole were unable to do the dirty deed. Then out of the corner of her eye Nicole spotted a plastic bag containing a small lock of babys hair and a few toenail clippings.

'Ah bonza!' shrieked Nicole, 'we could av these bits and nobody would give a shit'

'No fuck that' replied Tom, 'we gotta nick a whole kid man!'

Thursday, 15 November 2007

Bought and Sole'd

I met a man walking down the street the other day with a pair of flip-flops on, even though it was a bitterly cold day. I looked down at his toes exposed to the elements, and my curiousity got the better of me.

"Excuse me," I said. "I can't help but notice that you've got just a pair of flip-flops, even though it's freezing today... Are you OK? Can I give you some money towards some shoes?"

"Oh no," he replies, "I'm fine, honestly... It's just that I'm a Christian."

"Er, OK." I said. "So that's why you're wearing flip-flops?"

"Of course... I'm a Christian, and I'm single... So..."

"Er..." I said. "I seem to have lost you there..."

"Well," he replied, "It's just what I believe in... No socks before marriage."

We thought you might like to 'Everest' for a while...

Why were the Tibetan mountain guides let go by their employment agency?

Because they were sherpas to requirements

Tuesday, 13 November 2007

Hereditary Baldness

Q: Why did the man go bald after the death of his only son?

A: He lost his heir.

Thursday, 8 November 2007

I got the poison, I got the remedy.

Q: Why did the violin playing child prodigy get chased by an angry mob and slated in the tabloid press?

A: Because he was a kiddie fiddler.

1941: God That Film Was Awful, This Ain't Any Better

Cutting to the chase #1

[blah blah blah]

And I saw all three of them there, with her between the two men, the best man quickly pulling out with an embarassed look on his face. I knew my career as a wedding planner was over.

"No, you idiot. I said I wanted you to toast the bride!"

"Sweet, dude!"

A: My local library is made of gingerbread.

B: Really? That seems unlikely... How do they file their books?

A: Using the chewy decimal system.

And here to present his theory of The 3 Laws of Roboti - Aaah! Where are his trousers? Not again!

Q: Which sci-fi author had an unpleasant habit of removing his trousers at every opportunity?

A: Isaac Has-'em-off

Big up ya belly

A: So my girlfriend's got a bun in the oven right? So we went to the hospital, and they've got this well wickid thing yeah, where they like scan her stomach into the telly and you can see the baby in there and everything.

B: That sounds well good.

A: Yeah, it's ultra sound.

Wednesday, 7 November 2007

By Zeus That Was Bad!

Did you hear about the ancient dyslexic computer programmer? He was a greek.

An Apple-ingly bad joke

I was in the office the other day, using an Apple Mac to try and send an email, but when I pressed send, an error came up. "Fuck off you wog cunt! I'm not sending your filthy nig-nog email!" it said. So I phoned tech support. "My computer's just called me a wog cunt," I told them. "Oh, it's supposed to do that," the tech support dude replied, "It's the operating system I'm afraid - it's just not very PC."

Tuesday, 6 November 2007

A Semi-Skimmed Joke

Did you hear about the cow hater? He was lactose intolerant.

Thursday, 1 November 2007


Q: How do people know what is the best plastic container for their food?

A: They're Tup Aware.