A: A blind man came round our house the other day. When we opened the door he was holding a hammer drill and a tool box. So we let him in and he spent the afternoon drilling holes in our walls.
B: What?! Wasn't that dangerous? What was he doing for god's sake?
A: Putting up blinds, of course.
Q: Why did the dyslexic lawyer end up treating people for kidney failure?
A: Because he accidently spent years studying the renal system
A: What's your army training been like then?
B: Well, the other day, we had to get up at five am, jog twenty miles with full packs, and run the assault course in under two minutes. Back at base we were flagging.
A: You were tired then?
B: No, we were pulling the flag up and down, repeatedly.
A: That sounds pointless.
B: Not really - there's a massive spike on top of the pole.
Q: Why are hearses unpopular on the M25?
A: Because undertaking on the motorway is dangerous and pisses off other drivers
What do you call a quiz show, presented by Anne Robinson, that features people urinating on sausages?
The wee-kissed link
Q: Why are fortified wine tasters like sailors?
A: Because they go from port to port. The filthy buggers.
Q: Why are gypsies with dodgem cars so ethical?
A: Because they're well into fair trade.
A: I say, I say, I say, my dog has got no nose.
B: Really? How does he smell?
A: He doesn't, he's got no nose you fucking twat.
What band advocates random violence against vicious dogs?
Mastiff Attack
A: I had to dispose of my wife's body the other day, after I'd decapitated her in a horrible hunting "accident"... I put her body in the boot of my Fiat Punto and rolled it off a cliff.
B: That... Must have been difficult for you...
A: Nah, it was a pushover
B: Weren't you worried you'd be caught?
A: No, I knew it'd be a runaway success
A: I was an underwater plumber a few years back
B: Really, that must have been an interesting job
A: Sure, once I had to plumb in all the mains and sewage for an amazing underwater hotel at the bottom of the ocean
B: Bet those were the best days of your life!
A: Not really... It was really plumbing the depths...
Q: Why was the author Hector Hugh Munro so insincere?
A: Because he was really Saki.
A: I knew I'd made it in life when I saw I was in the Sunday Times
B: Really? Did you write a feature for the magazine section?
A: No
B: Did you release a top selling CD that was reviewed in the culture section?
A: No
B: What then?
A: No, I'm a train driver and I work on Sundays
Q: Why did the Army drop a load of shag pile on their enemy?
A: They were Carpet Bombing.
Q: How does someone who sympathises with your problems listen to music?
A: On their empathy player.
(...read it aloud...)
Q: Why did the postman think it was too risky to deliver letters to all the houses on one side of the street?
A: Because he didn't like the odds.
What do you call an English king who was didvided in half, then again and then again?
Henry the eighth.
What do you call a female 80s synth-pop band who fiercely protect their virginity?
The Hymem League
Q: Why did the mafia boss give up smuggling antipasti?
A: Because he was sick of illegal capers.
Q: Why did Vincent van Gogh paint himself with one ear?
A: Because he'd lost his brush
Q: What's the best beer in the galaxy?
A: InterStella Artois
Q: Did you hear about the Astrophysicist's leaving do?
A: He went out with a Big Bang.
What do you call a transformer that turns into a tune of haemarrhoid ointment?
Arsecream
Q: Which cultural commentor is always banging on about his sexual conquests?
A: Melvyn Bragg.
Q: What do you call a Transformer that is only divisible by itself?
A: Optimus Prime Number.
What do you call a Communist leader who sells engine oil?
Fidel Castrol
What do you call a Communist leader who's been declared a heretic by a major religion?
Infidel Castro
What do you call an Argentine footballer who offers parts of himself for life-saving medical procedures?
Diego Marrow-doner
What do you call a female sheep (with a man's name) who likes to follow the latest styles and used to play for Wimbledon?
John Fashion-ewe
What do you call a Swedish starlet of stage and screen who breeds and conducts recearch on tropical birds while imprisoned?
Ingrid Bergman of Alcatraz
Q: What do you call someone who celebrates Hanukkah, only eats Kosher meat and has a low pH value?
A: An Acidic Jew
P: Doctor doctor, my balls are on fire!
D: Are they great?
P: Yes.
D: You've got Jerry Lee Lewis Syndrome.
P: Is there a cure?
D: Marry your 13 year old cousin. It should clear up.
Q: Where in Belgium will you find idiots who struggle with grammar?
A: An Twerp.
Q: Why is tennis so corrupt?
A: Because it's full of back-handers.
Q: What do you call a member of the upper classes who knows how to make a really great cup of coffee?
A: A Baristocrat.
Q: What does Didier Drogba do when it's raining outside?
A:He puts on his Côte d'Ivoire.
