Smells fishy

Q: How much does it cost to buy a stressed Octopus?

A: Tense Squid.

I'm sure its been said before

"I'm going to a city on the northern coast of Italy with my wife."

"Genoa?"

"Of course I do, shes my wife."

Splash

Q: What do you call a record breaking male swimmer with 14 Olympic gold medals to his name who presents on BBC London and went a bit mad when she was in the Celebrity Big Brother house?

A: Vanessa Phelps.




Photoshop picture coming....

A teaser from my Edinburgh show #4

I passed a greengrocer's market stall the other day. Amongst all his fruit and veg was a little sign. It said "Five for a pound", so I gave him a fiver and punched him.

Vi-King of Comedy

The year is 865 and the place is a small hamlet in East Anglia. Chief Erik has led a band of Vikings on an invasion. It's all going swimmingly - the Vikings are forcing themselves on local women, stealing whatever they want, and burning down the locals' huts and barns.

Then Chief Erik sees one of his men doing something a bit odd. Amongst all the chaos, he's clearing up leaves from the hamlet's streets.

"I say Ivar," says Chief Erik, "What are you doing there? Why aren't you forcing local women to have sex with you? Why aren't you stealing the local men's treasures and burning down their huts?"

"Oh..." replied Ivar, a look of realisation appearing on his face. "I thought you told us to rake a village."

A teaser from my Edinburgh show #3

I passed some roadworks the other day, where some workmen were digging up the road. The sign said "Stop - Men at work", so I shouted "Drop your shovels and stop what you're doing!" but they just ignored me.

Ivor Biggun

A few years ago, the world suddenly found itself in the grip of a major butane shortage; camping gas stoves wouldn't light, cigarette lighters were buggered and the near-obsolete aerosol industry was dealt a major blow. To be honest, it wasn't that big a problem, but these things are important to some people and we shouldn't mock them. Anyway, the crisis inspired a charismatic adventurer by the name of Simon Evans to find a solution to the shortage; he'd heard tell of an endless source of butane, hidden high in the Himalayas, in far Tibet. Girding his loins, he swore he'd find the wellspring- or die trying!

For months, Simon Evans battled dizzying altitude and bitter cold. He encountered yetis and ancient mystics. Hidden civilisations and fire-breathing, leather-winged reptile men who made their nests high in the frigid peaks. But Simon Evans wasn't interested in all that; he just wanted butane.

His quarry was a near-mythic statue of Buddha, carved of solid gold and bedecked with jewels and precious stones. In the Buddha's palm rested a giant bee, also in gold, which was intended to symbolise the enlightened being's love of all creatures, even those who would do us harm. It was truly a prize worthy of the quest, but after months battling with madness and the savage whims of nature, Simon Evans began to fear that he was on a fool's errand; that he was hunting a mere fiction. Until, one bleak October morning, he came upon a hidden cave on the Western slopes of Chomolungma- finally, he had found his prey!

Simon Evans entered the cave respectfully, and with more than a little fear. He worried that the statue's builders, long since turned to dust, may have left guardians to protect their prize. He was determined that he wouldn't be thwarted in his quest, but feared that exhaustion and the cold had taken their toll. Was he destined to die here, unknown and unmourned, in the shadow of some heathen idol? Gathering his wits, he took a step.

Nothing.

And another.

Still nothing.

His heart soared! He had done it! His fears now subsided, he confidently approached the statue. It loomed over him, as Simon Evans slowly raised his head to meet the Buddha's benevolent gaze. He looked up at two glittering orbs of solid jade.

Without warning, Simon Evans leapt onto the Buddha, raised his walking stick above his head and prised one of the priceless eyes out of its socket. As the bauble clattered to the floor, a jet of pungent butane sent Simon Evans crashing after it. Staggering out of the cave to escape the poisoned air, Simon Evans looked out in triumph over the frozen Himalayan peaks.

His quest was over.

Weeks later, the celebrations were still raging across the world. Small frankfurters in sausage juice were heated on camping stoves in tribute and, for a few brief weeks, the world finally knew true peace.

Just days after his return, on an open-top bus tour around his home town of Samarkhand, Simon Evans was asked how he'd known where to find the precious gas. A humble man, Simon Evans was sheepish at first. The answer had seemed obvious to him from the first, but he had no wish to be seen as arrogant. But the interviewer was insistent. Eventually, Simon Evans had to reply, with a shrug, "well. You know what they say. Butane is in the eye of the bee-holder".

Just a Quickie

Why don't pessimists like to eat sausages?

Because they fear the wurst

A teaser from my Edinburgh show #2

So I was in the shoe shop the other day. There was a massive rack of shoes. "Any pair for a tenner" the sign said. What a rip off - I pulled them all out one by one, but damned if I can find a pair.

A teaser from my Edinburgh show #1

So I read a headline the other day. "Man fights off bear with bare hands." I thought, stupid headline writer - they're called paws.

At least one pair of nickers

A group of robbers were sat in a warehouse, Reservoir Dogs- style, planning a bank-job for the next day. All was going well when suddenly one of the crew, Derek, piped up to say he wouldn't be able to make it, as he was planning to stay in all day watching keanu Reeves films. He had, the lot; Bill and Ted, The Matrix, and some other films he'd starred in. In fact he was the world's biggest Keanu fan.

"For God's sake, not this again!" cried the ringleader, also called Derek. "We go through this every time. Can't you just leave the Keanu obsession alone for one %@£&ing bank job?!"

"I can't help it," replied the hapless Derek, "I love Keanu. No robbery's gonna come between me and that film about the bus."

"Well, I've had it up to here with it!" shouted Derek. "How many times do I have to tell you?! More heist, less Speed!"

Don't Believe The Grammar

Q: Why do the hip-hop combo Public Enemy have such a hard time getting their 'rhymes' grammatically correct?

A: Because they Can't (Lynn) Truss It.

Olympics inspired joke...

Q: Why did the attempted bribe of the Olympic swimmer fail?

A: Because he was told to take a dive.

A carpet joke

What do u call a fish that wants to phone home?

Carp-E.T.