me my..lf & I

A load of my books fell off onto my head this morning. I only have myshelf to blame.

Boy

Q:What does George Lucus like to drink before he goes for his jog?
A: Georges lucusade

Dyslexics: my favourite target

Why did the dyslexic end up sharing the auditorium for the one millionth show of Cats with a bunch of sea cows?

Because he'd booked tickets for the manatee performance

Revisiting a xenophobic theme

Which spy novelist advises people of the dangers of staring directly at the sun in a comedy Japanese accent?

John Look Aray

Didn't post this for ages because I couldn't think of a title. I'm over that now.

Which German leader could never finish any novels?

Count Otto von Bookmark

Smiley's Very Old People

Q: Which spy novelist covertly works in a French nursing home?

A: John le Carér.

Further Maths

Q: Where do fractal badgers live?

A: In a Mandelbrot set.

A juicy pun

Q: Why did the pear go to a meeting with a number of other pears to discuss the issues facing today's pears?

A: It was a Conference.

Five pounds and sixty two pence only, guv.

I've got this friend, Dave. Well, I say friend, but really he's a fish. An eel. But... That's not really why I say "Friend" like that though. I'm hestitant to call him a friend because he can be a bit of bastard sometimes, causing trouble, shoplifting, mugging people and the like. But hey, you know, he can be a laugh sometimes too.

Anyway, we were in the pub one day when in walked this banker type, shouting into his mobile phone, giving it all that.

"Watch this," said Dave, as he snuck up behind the banker, and slowly slithered his way into the bankers pocket and pulled out his wallet, all without the banker noticing.

Fuck, I thought, we're in trouble now.

But as it turned out Dave got back to our table with the wallet and no one was any the wiser.

"What did you do that for?" I asked him.

"Well, I thought he looked like some rich bastard, and you know there's a recession on... He can pay for our drinks this afternoon."

Well, I couldn't argue with that. So I took the wallet off Dave and had a look inside.

"Ah, you dumb fuck!" I said to him. "There's nothing in here but an old travel card and a book of second class stamps."

But just then, as luck would have it, the banker's friend walked into the pub and waved at his mate.

"Right," said Dave, "I'm going to go for it again."

"Fair enough," I told him. "I don't want to pay for my own beer."

And so that was the plan - rob new man with David, bad eel.

I'm serious as cancer

Why was the doctor of oncology- famous for his diagnostic abilities- such a big hit on the dating scene?

Because he had a good sense of tumour.

It's not Pavarotti- he's dead

Who is the most bone idle tenor in the world?

Julio Big-lazy-ass

Christmas Cracker Reject

Q: What's the deadliest type of lingerie?

A: The Co-Bra.

Cheesy Joke

Q: Why did Musical Youth start handing around Gouda?

A: Because they were singing "Pass the Dutch cheese on the left hand side."

Not Worth The Wait

Q: Which spoonerism - that vaguely sounds like some sort of unappealing internet porn site - died with Woolworths?

A: Mick n' Pix.

Splish Splash.

Q: What does a kiddie fiddler wear when they go swimming?

A: Spaedos.

Football joke that Hirekatsu won't understand and isn't that funny anyway, but there's nothing else being posted.

Why did the Blackburn players form a band and then take a boat to Lapland last Christmas?

Because they wanted to go on a rockin' Santa cruise