Bottle it

Q:What did the bottle of Spanish Sparkling wine say to bottle of French Champagne as it cried whilst lonely in the night upon the supermarket shelf?

A: Ca va?

The 90s Remembered

Which X-Files character sets fire to dresses?

Frock Smoulder

Works better when said than read - but not by much #8

Weird, not funny, anthropomorphic joke

Why couldn't the motorway agree to the controversial proposal?

Because it had a central reservation

A Mighty Erection

Q) Why is the Empire State Building a little bit crap?

A) Because it has many floors.

Q) Why is it amusing in the pub?

A) It has many stories.

Q) Why does it have an interesting subtext?

A) Because it works on many levels.

Q) The Empire State Building - does the ground rub her?

A) No, the sky scrape her.

Voom vroom

Q: What is the best car for a game of Chicken?

A: The Citroën Paxo.

Famous Directors do British TV #1

Peter Jackson on Birds of a Feather

I Spy Trouser Pie.

I bought some knocked off designer jeans the other day. I put them on but then they immediately shouted "Shaddap Your Face" at me.

Turns out they were Joe Dolce & Gabbana jeans.

This works if you say it in mockney.

Q:Why did the cockney not buy his normal shampoo and opt for a cheaper brand?
A: Cos it waz a pan-tene.

The Count's Mother Strikes Again

Q: What is the most popular drink can you buy from a vending machine in an STD clinic?

A: A Clappachino


I'm so proud.

Jokers block

When questioned by his mate edward scissorhands about what his favourite hair-do was Austin Powers replied...



"Oh Beehive"

More Football Stuff

Why was the dyslexic footballer angry with his manager?

Because he thought he was going to be put in gaol.

Achtung!

Why was the Arsenal goalkeeper able to understand the complicated scientific theory?

Because it was explained to him in Lehmann's terms

Agent Provocateur

Q) Why are all the jokes on this blog like my girlfriend's underwear?

A) They're pretty pants

Tora Tora Tora

Q: What do you call a Japanese toilet that kills people for honour?
A: A kami-karzy

MitteRandy

Q: What do Monsieur Sarkozy and Monsieur Muscle have in common?

A: They are both French-Polish.

Works Better Read Than Said - Cultural Difference

Q: Which Eastern European people have the most shine and sparkle?

A: The Polish.

zit

Q: What do greasy puss faced acne ridden computer geeks get?
A: Blog Spots

Groomers

Q: Why is the Gay community scared in the current climate of terrorist threat.

A: They are worried that within their own community young guys are being groomed and turned into suicide bummers.

No more

After 30 years of production the BBC has "just said no" to continuing to produce the once popular kids drama Grange Hill. The original cast are financially devastated, with no more repeat fees and reunions with Justin Lee Collins to keep them afloat. One member of the original cast famous for overdosing on smack in the toilets was clever and diversified his interests and investments.I am happy to report that he is cleaning up his act and is now the face of an industrial strength cleaning agent.

Culture!

What piece of music did Elgar write in a drug-fuelled binge?

The Cocaine Overture

News Flash

A cannibal has just been arrested in Hollywood.It has been reported that he is very partial to dining on Hollywoods leading ladies. When questioned about his recent victims he told CNN that he really enjoyed eating Reese With a Spoon.

Do do do, de de doo do.

Q: What instrument does someone who understands your problems use to make electronic music?

A: A sympathiser.

1000 parts water, 35 parts salt

Q: Which British Admiral was keen on statisics?

A: Ratio Nelson.

good prez, as described, would use again. A+++

Q: Where does Abraham Lincoln get his Ebay orders sent?

A: To his Gettysburg address.

Grand Designs

Q: What was the problem with the perfect house?

A: It was floorless.