A: Look, there's my dog on TV, auditioning for The X Factor
B: Really, how's it going?
A: Well... My dog's got no nose
B: Your dog's got no nose? How does he smell?
A: Like a winner - even Simon Cowell said yes, and he's through to the next round.
Did you hear about the dyslexic drug addict who got really good at arithmetic? Yeah, he was addicted to crystal math.
Q: What brand of tools to Chelsea footballers use to do their D.I.Y?
A: Ballack & Deco.
Q: Why was the alcoholic footballer kicked out of the team?
A: Because he was always hitting the bar.
Q: What happened when the cast of 'One of Our Dinosaurs is Missing' went missing?
A: The search party went finding Derek Nimmo.
Q: Why did I have so much trouble finding my must wear shorts of 2008 this morning?
A: Because they are camoflauged.
Q: Which former athlete is the best at entertaining small children?
A: Kriss Peek-Abusi.
And let us never mention this ever again.
Q: Which former athlete is most likely to compose an impressionist violin sonata?
A: Kriss Aka-Debussy.
Q: Which former athlete houses a large collection of antique cars?
A: Kriss Aka-Beaulieu.
Q) Which former athlete makes a great programming language?
A) Kriss Akabu C... Or Kriss Akabu C++ if you prefer.
Q) Which former athlete do you start saying the name of, and then realise that you have no idea who they are?
A) Kriss Aka-who's he?
Q: Which former athlete will help you stick posters of Bros on your bedroom wall?
A: Kriss Blu-Tac-Abusi.
Q: Which former athlete prefers the spray and pray method of drive by shooting?
A: Kriss Aka-Uzi.
Q: Which former athlete is really useful if you absolutely, positively have to kill every motherfucker in the room?
A: Kriss AK-47-Abusi.
Q) Which former athlete is going to explode any moment now?
A) Kriss A-Ka-BOOOM-si
Q: Which former athlete was ITV's answer to 'Hartbeat'?
A: Kriss Art-Attack-Abusi.
Q: Which former athlete had a hit in 1998 with 'Horny'?
A: Kriss Aka-Mousse T featuring Kriss Hot n' Juicy.
Q: Which former athlete is the most likely to lose a day to diarrhoea?
A: Kriss Aka-Loo Seat.
Q: Which former athlete is a sort of of purple-pink colour?
A: Kriss Aka-Pucey.
Which former athlete is really good at adding up without a computer?
Kriss Abacusi
Q) Why did I have to tell the NSPCC about Kriss?
A) Because he Kriss Ak-abused me
Q) What former athlete fought the Bolsheviks in the Russian civil war?
A) Cossack Abusi
Q: What did Yoda reply to Kriss Akabusi, when Kriss asked Yoda who was working part time as a taxi drive 'What is this?'
A: Kriss A-Kab-U-See
Q: Which former athlete is mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the best looking former athlete of them all?
A: Kriss Aka-Beauty.
Q: Which former athlete is most likely to have 'consensual homosexual sex' with 'Maverick' from the film 'Top Gun'?
A: Kriss Aka-Goose-i.
Q) Which former athlete is it nice to see, to see him nice?
A) Kriss Aka-Brucie
Q) Which former athlete is terrible pop cheese?
A) Kriss Agadoo-doo-doo-push-pineapple-shake-the-tree-si
Q) Which former athlete has a useful name for shouting out if you're suddenly at sea and scared?
A) Kriss, ak! A blue sea!
Q) If there were such an animal as a kabusi, like some kind of elk or moose or something, and it crept up behind you, what would you say?
A) Christ, a kabusi!
Q) Why did Kriss have no choice but to heckle the last band he saw live?
A) Because Kriss had to boo, see?
Q) What former athlete is a traditional form of Japanese theatre?
A) Kriss A-kabuki
Which former athlete was slaughtered in the Rwandan genocide of 1994?
Kriss Aka-Tutsi
Q: Which former athlete do Kellogg's want to use to advertise their latest cereal?
A: Kriss Aka-Museli.
Q: Which former athlete was reared to be the most succulent?
A: Kriss Fat & Juicy.
Q: Which former athlete attaches himself to the backs of old style steam trains?
A: Kriss A-caboose-i
Q: Which former Yugoslavian politician used to sell vegetables from a van in a ditch?
A: Radish-Van Carrot-Ditch.
Which former member of Kraftwerk used to compete in the Highland Games, and was a dab-hand with the caber?
Karl Bar-toss
Q: Why does Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz like hanging out with dead British prime ministers?
A: Because there's no place like sir Alec Douglas-Home.
Q: Where does Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz get money out?
A: From the Auntie Em machine.
A: I say, I say, I say; My wife recently visited The Netherlands to help in the construction of a major rodent-based building project.
B: Amsterdam?
A: No, I think it was a bridge made out of gophers.
A: I say, I say, I say; A Jewish friend of mine recently visited Canada to buy some meat.
B: Nova Scotia?
A: Well, they assured him it was.
Q: What do you call the hatred of the study of Jewish signs and symbols?
A: Anti-Semiotic.
Q: Did you read John Steinbeck's book about Eve's battle with thrush?
A: It's called Yeast of Eden.
What kind of music do women with vaginal yeast infections listen to?
Thrush metal
Behavioural scientists have recently discovered that all human beings possess one overriding obsession that guides all subsequent actions. The team have also found that these motivating factors can be divided into three distinct groups; the gastronomic (which the scientists graphically represented as a piece of pie); the narcotic (represented by a cigarette); and the erotic (represented by a gender-neutral human anus). Most astonishingly of all, it was revealed that this discovery had first been made in Ancient Greece (and since lost to the mists of time) where it was known as the 'Pie, Fag, or Arse Theorum'.
Who presents 'Who Wants to be an Insect Millionaire'?
Chris Tarrantula
P.S. I know spiders aren't insects, but I didn't want to give away the hilarious punchline
Why did the man in the unhappy marriage give his wife a stupid pony?
Because she'd told him she wanted a div horse
Where do brain hippopotamouses go to college?
In the hippo campus
Q: Which part of northern France is populated by Star Trek villains who sing "If I Could Turn Back Time"?
A: The Cher-Borg peninsula.
Q: Why was Rudolf Hess so popular?
A: Because he was top of the Hitler parade.
Q: What do French people say when they like precious stones?
A: J'aime.
Q: Which Belgian detective is made entirely of leeks?
Jenny: I got a letter through the door saying there is a burst water main at the end of my road and none of my taps would work. I read the note and instantly started giving birth.
Sheila: Why was that?
Jenny: My waters broke.
Have you heard about the new institute for incestuous sons?
Q: What car do dictators drive when they're commiting genocide?
Did you hear that John Steinbeck has written a new novel detailing his problems with premature ejaculation?
It's called 'Of My Semen'
Q: Did you hear that John Steinbeck has set up a quango looking into rodent-human relations?
A: It's called Ofmiceandmen.
In which celebrated comedy does Eddie Murphy play a parent struggling to raise his young child while indulging his passion for solipsistic philosophy?
Daddy Descartes
Q: What did John Steinbeck call his manual on the act of 'Gerbilling'
A: Of Mice and Men
Q: Why is jizzing over your uncle's wife so disappointing?
A: Because it's an auntie-climax.
Q: Why didn't the proposed industrial action by the beautiful models go ahead?
A: Because they were already striking.
Q: How does Johnny Depp cook his jerk chicken?
A: In his Pyrex of the Caribbean.
Q: What iz ze worst thing about french clobber with - as you say - a little crocodile on it?
A: La Cost.
Q: Where do people in Northern France go to find Spanish cuisine?
A: They pick it off the Bayeux Tapas Tree.
Fact: A russian jet was spotted by MOD radars over Hull this week.
Orville saw the jet and looked up at the defiant display of cold war military strength and said: "I wish I could fly way up to the sky but I cant".
Hull Replied:"You can"
Q: Which Middle Eastern country is just off the junction 25 of the M1?
A: Abu Derby.
