Hope this joke doesn't die on stage.

Q: Why can't the Grim Reaper hear anything?

A: Because he is deaf.

Compton Old Wives Tales

Glo'al stop this if spoken

Q: Didya hear about the A&E doctor who got sacked for not wearin' formal attire to work?

A: He came inna causal tee, innit?

Has it come to this...?

Q: What British chemicals company specialises in dealing with frozen eyeballs?

A: Icy Eye.

The world's most convoluted prize

What wooden award is given to those who have contributed to the well-being of people with bad shins, in tribute to a popular Irish songstress?

The Shin-aid Oak Honour

Tourist Attraction

Q: Why is Madame Tussauds so popular?

A: Wax works

I'd give this a D

Q: What do you call the oceans of mature cheddar (and other relatively strong cheeses) that are given out to pupils on successful completion of exams at age 16?

A: Their cheesier seas

Not Very Qualified- bwahahah!

What qualification is given to a group of jealous people who stand in a line?

An Envy Queue

The letter of the law.

Q: What angry letter of the alphabet believes in a unified Ireland?

A: The Ire A.

This came to me in a dream

I was in B&Q the other day, when I bumped into this man who looked terribly distraught.

"Oh, woe is me! Will I never find any grass seeds? Are there never any grass seeds to be found in here?" he said, almost in tears.

"Is he OK?" I asked a passing shop assistant.

"Don't worry about him," the shop assistant replied, "He's always coming in here looking forlorn.

Some Middle-Eastern joke

Which Middle Eastern country has the most sinus trouble?

Qatar

Some instrument joke

Which instrument combines lethal machine gunfire with a meandering rhetorical treatise?

The glock 'n' spiel

Some bee joke

Which cautious insect was most adept at sniffing out treasonous plots and insurrections in Communist Russia?

The Cagey Bee

I am making no pretence that this is a good joke.

Q: Why are singers with high voices unduly confident?

A: Because they've got a falsetto security.



I thank you!

Manzai style

A: I like to think of myself as creative... I like to make film shorts.

B: Can I see them?

A: Sure, I'm wearing them now.

B: Gosh, they're bright. What colour is that?

A: Shocking pink.

B: Really?

A: Sure, I almost electrocuted myself this morning putting them on!

B: No way!

A: Yes, I think it must be a shorts circuit somewhere

A quick bit of stand-up #3

Have you heard that Bill Gates suffers from impotence? Apparently his wife is sick of trying to deal with his micro soft package.

I don't think this is going to help the peace process.

Q: What is the favourite song of gay blokes in the Middle East?

A: Iranian Men by The Weather Girls.

A quick bit of stand-up #2

My neighbour always to out do me. When my husband passed away, I went to talk to a medium. A few weeks later, her husband died, and she went to see a large.

Dept. of Elf

One day a man is walking down the street, when all of a sudden, a little elf appears from nowhere.

"Ah, hello!" says the elf, "It's your lucky day! Just tell me what you want, and I'll make that wish come true!"

The man thinks to himself a while, and thinks about his marriage, and how he hasn't had good satisfying sex with his wife in years. So he decides to ask for something to provide more fun in the bedroom. He whispers his request in the elf's ear.

"Ah, OK," replies the elf, and waves his little elf wand, "Your wish is my command!"

So the man runs home, to check out his elf gift before his wife gets home. He runs into his bedroom, and finds, to his surprise, in place of his bed is a horrible, crusty, stained old mattress.

"What's this?!" he screams.

Suddenly the elf appears beside him again.

"What's the problem?" the elf asks.

"You stupid damn elf!" the man replies, "I asked for a filthy mistress!"

Cutting Remarks

I went to a new hairdressers the other day, run by Hanna-Barbara. It wasn't very good though, so I ended up with a scrappy do.

A quick bit of stand-up

You know in Star Wars, there's the Jedi Mind Trick? Did you know it was first used at Stonehenge in 50 AD? Yes, it was used to keep the Romans from disrupting the spring equinox activities: "Listen centurion, these are not the druids you're looking for."

The China Sun-drome

Q: How do you get a tan in China?

A: Sun Beijing.

Keep it short this time...

What's the noisiest Muslim country in the world?

Rowdy Arabia

Long-winded music pun no. 3

Greg's friend Mick is a music producer. He'd just hooked up with some dappy bloke from some previous series of Big Brother. Who gives a shit what this guy's name was - no one can tell them apart anyway. So this Big Brother loser wanted to kick off his "solo music career", and his publicist had given Mick a big handful of cash to do it. "Fine," thought Mick, "I'll just give him some pointers, we'll bash out a one-hit wonder, get him in the papers and perhaps we'll sell some records." Mick was mercenary like that.

So they sit in the studio, and Mick runs through some ideas - some old classics spiced up with some syncopated drum machine beats, a few synth washes, and so on. Knock it out in a week and they'd have money left over for the video. The Big Brother bloke says he'll think about it and choose his "creative direction" after he's had a chat with his mum.

So they move onto the next phase of the operation. The publicist has booked BB bloke and Mick into a few of those god awful "celebrity parties" that disgrace the tabloid gossip pages. You know the sort - where the real work is done in front of the paparazzi on the red carpet out front.

"Right," says Mick to BB bloke, "Just act cool, OK? Pretend you're already famous."

"I am already famous," the identikit celeb protests. "In fact I -"

But before he can finish his sentence he spots something in the distance, and runs off full speed like a lion hunting a gazelle.

Mick watches the scene unfold with horror. BB bloke has run full steam into none other than Elton John, somehow managing to vault over the star's two broad bouncers, and tackled the flamboyant gay to the ground. Then, in one swift movement, to astonishment of onlookers, BB bloke rips off his coat, and throws it over the stunned Elton John's head.

Mick walks over slowly, not wanting to be associated with this bizarre spectacle, but curious as to what the fuck has just happened.

"What on earth did you do that for...?" he asked the bloke from Big Brother.

"Well," replies BB bloke, "You said you thought it would be a good idea for me to cover Elton John."

ah, so much effort for so little reward

Long-winded music pun no. 2

One afternoon, Greg the concert promoter was out fishing, following a difficult week, what with that Beyonce thing. But he could feel his luck was turning, and, sure enough, he felt a tug on his fishing rod at just that moment that he was thinking that thing he was just thinking.

With dazzling speed, he whipped his line out of the water to see, thrashing on the end of it, a plump, juicy salmon. It was a whopper!

As he landed it on the deck of his boat, he was sure he could hear the fish singing. Some old Atlantic Soul thing. But he ignored it. Just his imagination, of course. He'd had a stressful week.

Then, as he was getting out his knife to gut the fish, it started screaming. "Hold on!" it shouted, "I'm comin'!"

Greg was stunned! "You can talk!", he said. "Dat's right!", replied the fish, cool as anything, "I's the most talented fish in all God's creation! Why, I got more soul than sole, brother!"

"This is incredible!", said Greg, "it's fantastic! Don't worry, I'm not gonna kill you now. I'm a concert promoter, and I think you could be huge! What's you name, son? I'm gonna make you a star!"

"You mean you don't know?!", asked the fish, indignant, "I'm Salmon Dave!"

Long-winded music pun no. 1

Greg the concert promoter woke up one morning, really excited. He had an eleven o'clock appointment with the agent of Beyonce and was hoping to book her for a major gig in Hyde Park! As time got shorter he was getting more and more nervous, and arrived with great anticipation at a ramshackle shed 'round the back of a breakers yard, as directed. Palms soaked with sweat, he knocked on the door. A fat, Eastern European man answered...

"Yes?"
"Er, I'm here to see ... 'the act'?"
"Ah, yes, is good. You come in now, Mr. Superstar."

As Greg entered, he saw a small girl of five or six kneeling in some dirt. The agent gestured and shouted to her, "Katrina! You do stuff now, uh? You sing good, make sexy noise. Make much, much money!"

Suddenly the child pounced up and launched into a blistering rendition of 'Survivor'.
Greg was aghast. "What's this supposed to be?!" He bellowed, "you promised me Beyonce, not some scruffy, warbling urchin!"

The agent scoffed, clearly annoyed. "Oh no, you mistake, mister. This just tribute act: Dusty Knees Child!"

Bouncing Aint Easy

My friend Anna is a fashion student, and she likes to do all the things that fashion students do, like making her own clothes and going clubbing. The other day, she was off out for a big night of dancing, posing and pulling. It can get fairly competitive in the fashion student world, with everyone trying to outdo each other with the latest clothes, so she decided that she was going to have to make and wear something special. So she got this intricately patterned piece of fabric, and cut it, pinned it and wrapped it herself to make a kind of cyber-sari. She had a little bit left over at the end, so she wrapped it around her head.

Anyway, the big night arrives, and all her friends are already inside this super-fashionable club, so she has to queue on her own. She thinks she looks the bomb, right, so she doesn't think there'll be any trouble getting in.

But, when she goes to strut through the door as if on the catwalk, the big bouncer bloke sticks a big arm out, and stops her going in.

"What's wrong?" she asks.

"You're banned, Anna," the bouncer replies, in a deep threatening tone.

"What?!" she replies, since she can't quite believe it.

"I said," the bouncer replies calmly, "You're banned, Anna!"

So Anna's pretty confused. What could she have possibly have done to get banned? She didn't remember doing anything particularly naughty the last time she was here. Perhaps the bouncer was confusing her with someone else.

"That's not fair," she protested, "Let me in!"

"Look, I'll say this once again," replied the bouncer, and he tapped her on the head patronisingly. "You're not coming in... Rules are rules - No caps. No trainers. No bandanas."

They control everything... even Homemade Jokes...

Which secret society eats the most Greek cheese?

The Halouminati

Works better when said, by a lot #1

Did you hear about the pimp's superfly bedroom? He had a walk-in whoredrobe.

Windmills, clogs, tulips, weed and contraception

Q. Why can't Edwin Van Der Sar get his girlfriend pregnant?

A. Because he has 119 dutch caps.