This scruffy far out guy is walking up a street. He reaches into his pocket to check for stuff...He has no wallett,nothing.He walks up a garden path and knocks at the door...

The door opens

"Hi there how can I help you".

The scruffy man replies.

"Do you believe in Free Speech ?..."

The man at the door answers.

"Why yes, yes indeed I do"

The scruffy man charges through the door and says...

"Very good now let me use your fucking phone innit"

Que?

Q: What makes me Cross?
A: A Carpenter with a couple of pieces of wood,a saw and some nails or screws depending on the size.

Mork and Mindy

Q:What is Morks favourite thing in the world?

A: His "Nano Nanno"

Bingley

Q:Why was the man wearing a Turban so annoyed by skinheads in Bradford?

A: He was Sikh and tired of being called a Muslim.

Crime Scene Investimagationating

Q) What's Tim Westwood's favourite TV show?

A) CS-Aiii!

(Seriously it is - he can relate to all the shootings and shit, cos he's so street, aiii?!)

OK, might as well do the bonus round:

Q) What do call an android hip-hop DJ that's gone mad and started killing people?
A) Tim Westworld

Q) Which hip-hop DJ sailed across the Atlantic?
A) Tim Westward

Q) What do you call a hip-hop DJ that lets cars run over him in Ladbroke Grove?
A) Tim Westway

Veg Out

How do greengrocers strangle people?

With a carrotte

What do greengrocers use to round up sheep?

A collie-flour

And so on...

Don't know where this came from...

Why did the international court of human rights refuse to allow a woman to give birth into an old LP cover?

Because it would've been sleeve labour

More bakery fun

Why did the train drive over the very flat French pastry?

Because it was a level croissant

Syndicat D'Initiative

Where do bulls go for help when they're on holiday?

The Taurus Information Centre

Bakers 'Dirty' Dozen

Q: Why did the bread commit suicide?

A: Because it loafed itself.

Cooking With The Count

Q: Why was the flour not put into foster care when its parents ran off?

A: Because it was self-raising.

This has never happened to me. Honest.

Q: What do you call it when someone is constantly telling you to wash because you smell too much?

A: A de-odour rant.

Das Boot

Symphony of Destruction

Why wouldn't the strict parent let her child watch DVDs of his favourite jazz/ classical crossover band?

Because they were full of sax and violins.

Hot!

Q: What did the impressed child say when his mother made a tasty curry?

A: Cor, Ma!

Poor, In Two Definitions Of The Word

Q: What's the best type of chocolate bar to eat during a recession?

A: A Credit Crunchie.

000001 Binary Solo

Q: Where on the world wide web do people go to discuss their limbs?

A: Internet Forearms.

Bad hair pun