Comic Art

Accra-cadabra!

Q: Which African nation has the best Alias?

A: Jennifer Ghana.

African Socialism

The Devil wears Sturrocks

Q: What does Satan wear to cover his bald head?

A: Hell Toupé.

Give the Pun Man a Break

Zoe Ball: So, Fatboy Slim, what road do people have to use to get to Devon from Hampshire?

Fatboy Slim : Everybody needs A303.

The smug, druggy bastard! He doesn't even exist! I do!

What is Sherlock Holmes' favourite African country?

Ethiopium

I dictate that you will like this joke.

Q: Which African dictator is very good at their accounts and filing?

A: Idi Admin.

African Conservatism

Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside.

Q: What two places in England do people want to visit again and again?

A: Andover and Dover.

Top Tip (at 12.5%)

Guys, if you're ever in a restaurant, and a waiter accidentally spills soup in your lap, never miss the opportunity to say: "Waiter waiter, there's soup in my fly."

From the Office of Cultural Misunderstandings

I met a rastafarian guy on holiday.

"Do you think it's going to rain?" I asked him.

"Yeah, mon, soon."

"Really? That bad?"

True story...

I was in the pub the other day, paying for some food. I had to pay using my switch card, so the Japanese girl working behind the bar gave me the card terminal thing, I typed my PIN in, and gave it back to her. The resulting conversation follows:

Her: "What's your PIN?"

Me: "Er, what?"

Her: "Your PIN?"

Me: "I've put it in already!"

Her: "Er... No, your pin... Your badge."

Me: "Ah, I see... It's a badger."

Her: "Yes, a badge... What is it?"

Me: "A badger."

Her: "A badge."

Me: "It's a badger."

Her: "Er... Ah! A badger... What's a badger?"

Me: "Um...? It's like a... Wild animal that lives in England... Like a dog, but not a dog... Black and white, big, pointy teeth and claws."

Her: "I've never heard of a badger before!"

Me: "???"

Cock-block

A: I met an interesting girl down the pub the other day... We were playing one of those pub games. You know the one, with the big wooden blocks you stack up and you take turns to remove without knocking the tower down.

B: Giant Jenga?

A: Well, she is tall, but her name's not Jeng.

Hen-vestment Banking

Q: What do chickens use to do their accounts?

A: Eggs-cel

Bus-ted

I had an interesting dream last night. I dreamt I was driving a bus, collecting fares and working the route. When I woke up my bed was in Peckham and I had twenty passengers.

Visual Jokes #2

"What's this?" you ask.

Then, with hand flat, and palm down, sweep your hand around as it's flying on the wind.

"It's a... Hand glider!"

I know, I know, they're called "Hang gliders" really... But how many people get that wrong?

Big Red One

Q: What's big, red, and would hurt if you stuck it up your arse?

A: A bus

Bouquet Garnétt

Q: What do you call a racist herb?

A: Alf Garnish.

Works Better When Said, But Not By Much #6

From the brain of Cosmic Horse. Blame him.

The Russians are Coming! The Russians Are Coming!

Q: What do you call a strange Russian leader?

A: BeCzar.

Despite their dogged determination

Q: Why are dalmations crap at hide and seek?

A: Because they're always spotted

Probably The Worst Bounty Hunter Joke Ever

Q: Why shouldn't a debt-collector rest on his laurels?

A: Because one's a bailiff and the other's a bay leaf.

Eternal questions...

When a turtle does a poo, does it look like it has two heads?

Works Better When Read than Said #3 - A rubbish joke.

Bob: The binmen where I live are crap, they wont take the rubbish away.

Bill: Why is that?

Bob: Because they use a Refuse Truck.

Literature In Disguise

Q: Which Muriel Spark novel transforms into a fuck off massive truck?

A: The Optimus Prime of Miss Jean Brodie.

Combine Harvester for sale. £800

Q: Which bearded westcountry singer is currently awaiting execution?

A: Death row Tull

Cutting humour

Q: What place in Bedfordshire has the most clean shaven people?

A: Dunstable.

An unpleasant surpies.

Q: What did the vegetarian accidentally eat?

A: Mistake and kidney pie.

May the farce be with you

Q: What does the director of Star Wars like to drink?

A: Fizzy C3POP.

Q: Interesting, what brand does he like?

A: Lucasade.

Meat and no veg.

Q: What band do anti vegitarians listen to?

A: Tofu Fighters.



Also.... Lesbians should be called 'Vagitarians'.

Dyslexic Hollywood; Or Ian Brown, MP For Madchester

Courtesy of Kiki Burns! Well done you.

A challenge not to be sniffed at

Try sniffing and saying sniff at the same time.

Good to meat you.

Q: Which meat is made from testicle and nothing else?

A: Baloney.

Dont take the kids into the sea.

Q: What type of sex offender is fastest underwater?

A: A Torpedophile.

Thundercats Ho!

Q: In what item of hand-me-down lingerie does female Thundercat Cheetara keep her breasts?

A: A Mum Bra

Ive been wombded!

Q: What type of gun should you use to shoot a lady in the privates?

A: A re vulva.

A paw joke

Q. How many lives does a german cat have

A. Nein

Hobo's are so yesterday

I think tramps should be called 'Pavemen'.

Uh! Get ya free corn!

Q: Which hip hop star has a lot of obligations to fulfil?

A: Mary J Obliged

Good to meat you.

Q: What meat is made up of shin bone, calf muscle and feet?

A: Baloney.

Visual Jokes #1

In a pub or similar such environment, where everyone sits around a table and leaves their mobile phones on the table top, wait until someone pops to the loo or bar, and when they come back, announce to them:

"Hey, I don't want to worry you or make you paranoid, but I think your phone's been tapped."

"What? How do you know?!" they'll reply, shocked and astonished.

"Because," you reply, with a wink if you so wish, "I've done it before and I'm doing it again."

With which you proceed to tap on their phone with a finger, much to the hilarity of the assembled crowd. Good work Mr Funny!

Sexual Safari

Q: Why are Zoo's with only three animals so kinky?

A: Because they are a menagerie à trois.

Thelma And Louise Do Darfur

Q: Which African nation is married to Tim Robbins?

A: Sudan Sarandon.